An unemployed husband or mate – Beware! Be sure to read to end!

My husband has been unemployed for 5 1/2 months. Thank God he is a non-drinker. Well, to be quite honest, he has a drink maybe once or twice a year, or at a special occasion. The reason this makes me happy is that I can deal with an unemployed husband, but not one that is a drinker.

Here’s why. First of all, I was married to a scam artist who, when we moved, assured me he was looking for work every single day.
I took my own money and opened a small studio and began to teach fitness. After a over a year passed, one day one of my students asked me, “Why is it you work so hard when your husband sits in the bar all day long? I live near it and his truck is always there!”

Gulp! I had no clue. He could hold his booze and disguise the smell (he drank vodka) and I just wouldn’t have dreamed he was a lying bum. Well, later, I learned he was a full on drunkard (I tried to drink with him to slow him down – it just sped me up!) To make this story short – ultimately he scammed me out of everything, I lost the farm I’d worked for 12 years to buy, and wound up
getting a divorce. It’s a good thing he wasn’t bright enough to go to an attorney and try to get alimony from me. I was working. He
wasn’t!

Anyway, I’ve been talking with friends and acquaintances, even strangers all over town, you know like the store and the post office.
I am hearing horror stories. I would say 3 out of 5 women I speak to whose husband’s have been off work for a while are going
through a similar problem….the drinking problem.

We know it is disheartening to be unemployed and not be able to support a family. Particularly for someone with children, or with a wife that doesn’t work. It’s the boredom, the free time, the insecurity, the luring nature of having a drink to “take off the edge” that scares me for these families.

The seductive nature of alcohol is that temptation (after all it is social and legal) to have a second drink because the first one made you feel so good. Then perhaps another, just to be social. The ball is rolling now.

Good men can get caught up in this downward spiral.

It is a VERY DANGEROUS cycle….I know from personal experience that alcohol, like any drug, has a cumulative effect – I’ve experienced lies about alcohol, which means maybe lies about where a person has been, which means maybe they are not looking for work, which means one lie leads to another. If a person has a blackout there is a huge danger. You don’t want the unemployed person to have to drink and get into that “fake world” where everyone is your best friend and you all tell each other how great you are – just to regain some confidence. Drinking and driving is another peril. Not even taking into consideration the cost of the alcohol. These days two drinks is the same cost as if you went to the store and bought a bottle! I had this joker have an affair with my best friend during this period of my own STUDPIDITY!

I am not writing this to freak anyone out, but we are ALL FLAWED human beings. I just want to make people aware of the pitfalls that face so many people with an unemployed husband or mate. It is important for you to be on your toes if “things” seem to be changing. Be supportive and do understand it’s tough right now, perhaps even turn the unemployed person on to a job you heard about / or suggest going to an employment office to do part time work / or if you come up with a terrific idea, maybe a career change or a school loan to learn a new career – share it.

In my experience a man can only stay home so long (particularly with children) before he starts going stir crazy! He needs to perform and be secure in his ability to provide for his family….It is difficult enough to contend with little money to live on. You don’t want everything to fall apart.

Remember, too, a man may not want to share his insecurity, his concern, his feeling of failure.
Do what you can and keep praying! Take a breath – this too shall pass :)

By the way - THIS IS NOT TO WORRY ABOUT ALL MEN! There are some really good guys out there who can
deal with tough situations beautifully. This is just a reminder we are all human and perhaps insight to help if you can during these hard times for those with a genetic connection to alcohol – and those who simply fall into the pit by circumstance.
…………………………………………………………..
” Nothing good comes from boredom. It’s said that idle hands are the devil’s workshop, an old saying dating at least as far back as Chaucer in the twelfth century who called idle hands the devil’s tools.”

“The Turks have a proverb, which says, that _The devil tempts all other men, but that idle men tempt the devil. (Colton, _Lacon_, 1820)”

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86 Responses to “An unemployed husband or mate – Beware! Be sure to read to end!”

  1. Debbie Says:

    Hello,
    I would like to state also, that my husband was laid off in November, 2008. He just now did a resume (Sept. 2009), and sent it to one person. His moods are up and down, he expects me to make a living on my income with what we had which is impossible. Are there any other useful websites to go to, or a support group.

    I think most women have been unemployed or laid off also, but for some reason, men are not able to handle things as well as women. Do not take that poorly, it is my experience. Possibly some are wonderful. What I see I do not like. If I was laid off, which I was in 2001, it took me nothing to hop back on the train and look as hard as I could, as income is essential.

    He does nothing but say we have no money, which is not true, we have savings, equity, and a large 401(k) and insurance. We have much to be thankful for. My worries is the amount of pressure he is putting on me. Do as I say not as I do. Why did I have to quit my schooling to get a full time job, I worked 75% previously, when there is no way in the world my income will even meet 1/2 of his expenses. I say his, because he and I have been married for 7 years, and we are older, I came into his world. Took on his mortgage, etc. So I feel kind of weird that once again a man expects me to care for him. I will not do it. Suggestions?

  2. Debbie Says:

    Good luck to all and hopes for a fast recovery.

  3. Marsha Says:

    Debbie. I am so sorry to hear about your plight. Women sometimes get stung when they try to “do what they do” out of love. I would have helped too if I had fallen in love and we partnered and became husband and wife. Not to be a downer, but if he’s only put in one application since he was laid off, I’d like to know what he’s been doing all the rest of the time. You obviously have been working and paying the bills. Some men just get lazy and start expecting the world to hand them everything. My suggestion? READ YOUR WORDS AGAIN:
    “I will not do it.”

    Don’t. Most”real men” are tenacious about getting back to work and seek it out until they find it. Some men get lazy and begin to enjoy the life of leisure, so to speak. If it were me I would be honest and tell him honestly how you feel.
    Then wait to see what happens. In the meantime, if you see a pattern that you abhor continuing, make plans. Start preparations for YOUR LIFE> it is, AFTERALL, YOUR LIFE! There is no hard and fast rule that says if your man changes you have to accept it and support his ass forever.

    If you still are in love (and he is with you) – your communication honestly should make an dent in the situation. If you see no changes don’t sit in the mire until six years have gone by and you wish you had CHANGED YOUR LIFE>
    get counseling IF you two agree on it, DO SOMETHING.

    I don’t know right off hand of any websites dedicated to this problem but I bet if you type in some pertinent words a search engine will come up with something.

    I was married to a looser who lied about looking for work and ultimately, I LOST THE FARM…literally. I had bought it with my money, paid for his vehicle, and he screwed me around for 3 or 4 years while I was in denial. My cash, my 18 acre dream farm, and went bye bye-while I almost lost my life and any sense of self esteem.

    Please don’t sit on it. You are the only one who can know what you want. I like a portion of the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know the difference.

    Take care and God bless your heart.

    By the way, with perseverance, my husband was able to find work. Though he has to work out of town, he’s been working since May now. Best of luck to you.

  4. Neen Says:

    In a similar situation where husband left a good job because of conflict with management. I warned him to secure other employment before leaving that job, but he ignored me. It’s been 4 years and 2 months and he has not done any real searching for a job. Despite my searching for positions and emailing them to him. My latest efforts have been to complete applications for him. In the meantime he has lost his license to practice his trade; has not paid back student loans totaling over 100K; been sent to prison for not paying child support from a previous relationship; has a suspended drivers license; sits around eats all day; and contributes very little to the household. Some days I can’t stand to look at him.

    We have two children and he is an engaged father, bt what can he provide in addition to his love and time? Not to belittle those two essential ingredients to a father-child relationship, but what if something happens to me. How will he be able to support the children?

    I have been hanging on for the children. I pity him some days because he has lost so much – his father, mother, and a sibling by the time he was 13. So I know that part of his “issues” relate to his traumatic loss. He refuses counseling because he believes no one can help him.

    I really don’t want my kids to grow up without a father, but at the same time I don’t have a true husband. I have another child, to whom I did not give birth. Had I known marriage vows would turn into adopting a grown man, I would have run the other way.

    I am fed up with him and don’t know how long I can hold on. I have bbeen prayerful and hope that God reveals something to me.

  5. Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

    4 years and 2 months with no job search. You must be the most patient woman alive. I’ve talked to women who have “helped” their guy with a job search and applications. Here is what I’ve found after counseling thousands of women over a period of 30 years.

    These are ALL signs this guy is a TOTAL LOOSER.

    He doesn’t want to work! He let his license go, he hasn’t paid debts for student loans, his driver’s license is suspended and he’s been to prison for not paying support for his “other children”. He sits around and eats all day and does nothing.

    DO NOT HANG ON FOR THE CHILDREN. I’ve talked to so many women who have done the same thing and wound up loosing money and offering as a father a non-working, negative example for the children to learn from. In real problematic situations have suffered physical and mental abuse, along with ultimately seeing and hearing fighting!

    Don’t pity him. We all have sad stories and many just as sad as his. If his “issues” are still an issue, after all this time – he needs to absolutely have counseling. But remember you told me he said: He refuses counseling because he believes no one can help him.

    That includes YOU! Had I known marriage vows would turn into adopting a grown man, I would have run the other way.I am fed up with him and don’t know how long I can hold on. I have been prayerful and hope that God reveals something to me.

    Read what you’ve said here! God helps those who help themselves. WHY are you hanging on again?
    For the children…..no, no, no, no! He is a terrible example of what a man should grow up to be.
    I don’t know the gender of your children or the ages, but at any age – A LOVING AND DEDICATED MAMA IS FAR MORE STABLE AND BETTER than having two parents – one of which is sitting on his butt all the time. 4 years and 2 months WAY TO LONG TO PUT UP WITH THIS GUY!

    It’s your life too and if you don’t CHANGE things NO ONE ELSE can do it for you. Start today and pray like crazy all the time and begin a plan to escape this nightmare. Tuck what you can away, plan-plan, plan. Let your loved ones and friends know what you are doing (in case you need support) – and CHANGE YOUR LIFE! Your children will be better off in the long run I PROMISE!

    The prayer that goes a long way: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. (Serenity Prayer)

    You’ll be in my prayers and thoughts.

  6. Neen Says:

    Thanks for your feedback. Before I take action I need to be prayerful and hear God’s message in all of this. Your response lets me know that my expectations for a working, contributing husband are not unreasonable.

    May God continue to bless you.

    Nichelle

  7. Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

    Our course you must first be prayerful and listen for God’s message!! I always try to work towards submitting to God’s will, though I know many mistakes in my life were made because I didn’t listen.

    You will be fine if you keep the faith and be true to yourself. God bless you too!

  8. Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

    Stop the nightmare now. You are the only one who can do anything. This is revisiting the horror of my past. ” I’m too ashamed and embarrassed to say”…..forget it! ALL OF US have made some horrific mistakes in this life, but this one is so similar to mine I could have just slipped out of my life and into yours and it would be my turmoil all over again. I have to say, HIS BEHAVIOR WILL NOT GET BETTER. IT WILL BE WORSE SOON, AND YOUR CHILDREN WILL WIND UP NOT RESPECTING YOU AND BLAMING YOU FOR THEIR LIVES! TRUST ME. This man will eventually either get very violent with you, sexual with your children, or will kill himself anyway. It would be better for you to face struggles now. The heck with being ashamed-you’ve done everything you could to help and make things better. 48 is still young and you still have a chance to make life better for your children by showing them you have self-respect and intellect by ending this! YOU ARE DREAMING if you think he will see the error of his ways. It will not happen. The horrible trust, as it stands now, is you and your children will wind up paying for HIS SINS and ERRORS all YOUR LIVES if you don’t change this scenario.

    My behavior, that you are living right now, has cost me dearly for almost 30 years now. For living THE LIE, and not making a change, I have ultimately lost the relationship with my eldest son (remember now, it was good for a few years after I got smart and dumped the asshole) – but now that he has children his anger and resentment for my stupidity has come to the forefront. He won’t even talk to me and that means I can’t spend time with 4 of my grandchildren.
    I was verbally abused by my own three babies as they grew-up because they saw me being abused and taking it – justifying why I couldn’t make a change all the while. I THOUGHT it was all good with them – just like you are doing now.
    Time will make your children resent you for putting them in a position of danger
    right now. Children see and hear it all. You have to do something before you become a statistic……..This man is abusing you AND your children. If you love your children it doesn’t matter how much you think you still have hope for this man, he will NOT CHANGE. He’s proven it. The next few years will turn into
    a bigger nightmare for you, and ultimately your life, if you don’t find the courage to change things. Seek outside help. Talk to someone. His grip on your life could kill someone. I left my husband when he lifted my 8 year old daughters nightie and said, “Look at that black bush”. Don’t wait until something goes very,very wrong. If you read a letter from a friend who told you what you have written here, you would say to her – “GET OUT. GET THIS MAN OUT OF YOUR LIFE.” I promise you it won’t get better. You still have the opportunity to have a good life, and repair the damage your children have gotten from this abuse. STOP THE NIGHTMARE>my former husband wound up abusing an elderly couple and then when he was supposed to see jail time he killed himself. Do you want your children to endure any more? Read what you have written and then remember you are enduring hard-time abuse and abuse like this DOES NOT END PEACEFULLY. Someone will get physically or sexually hurt, and you and your children have already endured scars that will give you nightmares for years and years to come. PLEASE CONSIDER my words. My
    heart is REALLY concerned and I have experienced enough in my life, and counseled enough women to know this will NOT END WELL as it stands. Please feel free to write again and if I can help support you this way with any help, I promise I will do so. Also, my website: http://stressmanagementmagic.com
    is dedicated to helping people learn techniques on line, and covers lots of subjects. You can do little relaxations on line. I am not selling anything. The article I am posting today talks about recovering from great trauma.

    PLEASE – know that you are sharing this because you need help! Do not be ashamed-there are millions of women who have suffered needlessly! There are support groups. You need to make the next move > CHANGE THINGS before it’s too late.

    Love and prayers to you.
    Marsha

    PLEASE-PLEASE-PLEASE- BEFORE IT’S too late – CHANGE YOUR LIFE. Nothing “out there” could be worse than your life now; but your life with him WILL GET WORSE.

  9. Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

    There is still hope to reconcile with him at some point, but you have to make a change in your life for him to ever respect you…YOU owe yourself a decent life. Crying is good. I cried for a month (more than once) when my circumstances seemed impossible. It’s a good cleaning for the eyes. :)

    Then you need to pull yourself up by the boot straps (women are tough creatures-you’ve already endured so much) -and get busy making life changes. If you are alone seek out others in “abuse or divorce” websites and blogs. Get ideas from others in similar plights. Perhaps there is a local group you can actually join (hugs are very helpful-sincere ones); if you believe in God (even if you don’t) – go to a service where you can pray and be in the company of those striving to better themselves. I personally believe in God and miracles, and I want happiness for you-and safety!

    I thought I was alone too until I began to realize many women suffer and there is help out there somewhere. Don’t dwell on “what might have been”, or “what bad mistakes you made”, etc. Get busy thinking in more positive terms.

    If you are afraid of this man, let the police know and ask them to be there when you get him out of your home. Get an attorney if you can afford it – and a restraining order to keep him away.

    Feel free to stay in contact and you know I will be thinking of you and praying for you.

  10. Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

    P.S. Wanted to clarify my first sentence – I mean reconcile with your son. :)

  11. Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

    When you have a second read today’s post on Relax….I didn’t write it but I think worthy of posting. :)

  12. Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

    Life is a series of change and flexibility. Please don’t let this guy harden your heart. I have only a few really close friends – I am kind of a friend snob. I want quality people in my life and an exchange of intellect, ideas and heart! Hung out with the wrong people for a while and it took me down.

    Being a loner is not bad. I said my prayers and put in the order for the kind of guy I wanted….but also expressed to God I would be alone and be happy if that was his will. He was kind enough to send me someone after a few years.

    But being alone can be a gift too – time to play the guitar, write, do things you like-myself kayaking, hiking, etc. It will be all good for you if you stay true to yourself and your feelings and “knowing.” I’ll keep sending love and positive thoughts your way. :)

  13. Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

    Zip me another email….I have been having problems with my mail server and lost quite a few emails! :(

    Will return as you asked. :)

  14. jacobina Says:

    Marsha we have been married for 7 1/2 years and we have a daughter 6 yrs old.my husband is not interested in doing any work. when I married him he had three jobs.one by one he lost all.He was laid off from his last job.The boss told me he was going only in the afternoons instead of full time,while i was going for full time work.He borrowed money every where possible and I got loan and I paid back everything.
    there was little hope for a job for him in that city,so we moved to another city when I found a job,after 6 months he got a job,till then he was baby sitting.Then came the next blow my brother in law and my mother in law together pledged the house a joined property and got money.My brother in law disappeared with the money.My mother in law crying and persuading my husband to pay the debt.And he paid it in addition to the regular financial support to them.

    Again he was laid off from this job and his friend offered an marketting job.After two and a half years again he was laid off.Through all these time he gave money for the family with lot of argueent ,fightings and misunderstandings,never happily.

    Now since March 2008 he is jobless and not trying for a job nor doing any activity at home instead messing up the house making all places untidy,gossipping with all useless people and spending time in sleeping,watching tv and eating the maximum food items at home.The entire financial burden came upon me.

    We have regular fights at home. The reason I want him to go for a job as the comittments are more while he wants me to support his parents,pay the loan what my brother in law took and another loan occurred due to nonpayment of his credit card.He used this credit card only to pay his phone bills.when he stopped earning I told him to cut short the unnecessary calls but he didnt.So i stopped paying the bills for him.I stopped giving any money for him or his parents.This is really annoying him. He often manipulates saying that I dont love him,I dont help him and I am selfish.He never shows any kind of love to me.We have sex once in a blue moon .I am puzzled.I want to leave him atleast till he realizes what we need to do for our marriage to work.But is it really God’s will.I am not sure.Praying only.please help.

  15. Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

    My email is mo@jett.net. Anything that you would like me to respond to in private, just let me know and I will do so. If it’s okay to respond in comments I will do that, but with your permission. :) I do care.

  16. mary johnson Says:

    I have been married almost 5 years. In that time, my husband has been laid off twice. He currently has been laid off almost a year and in that time has not applied to one job. I am not in good health, but nothing will stop me from working. He takes care of the house and does all the cooking and feels this is his contribution.

    I have applied for jobs for him, have sent him emails on jobs, looked into sending him back to school and he is not interested. I don’t know what to do. I am getting fustrated with him and increasingly aggetated with him and am losing all my respect for him. He actually cried this week when I put pressure on him to work, stating that he just couldn’t follow up with school. I dropped it at that point, but know we need to have a serious discussion again about this. I am 50 and he is 56. What should I do? Are there others out there like me? He still has child support for the next few years. Am I spose to pay that to?

    • nancy Says:

      Hi Marsha and everyone since my last email, i have come to accept my husband being home. He cleans, does all the housework and makes my life so much easier when I come home. At first it was hard to handle, but then he worked for a temp company for a short time, and wow…….things were hard. I am ok with him staying home and make a decent wage that he can. Our debt load is very little and it honestly does help having him home. I don’t feel he is depressed or unhappy and he is not a drinker. I feel i got a good relationship that he would tell me if he were not happy. He’s very easy going. Sometimes there is a bright side to all this.. just sayin..

  17. Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

    Mary I have not been at the computer much for a few days. I will respond ASAP.
    Would you prefer me to respond on line or to an email? Take a breath….this too shall pass.

  18. mary johnson Says:

    email thanks marsha. He applied for a job Monday!

  19. Brittany Says:

    I have been looking for a website to vent and it helped reading everyone’s comments – it helped to know I am not the only one in a bad situation. We are a family with two young children and both got laid off five and seven months ago. We used all our retirement and are barely hanging on. I had to take my son out of day care since we could not justify the cost. I am sending out about 10 applications a week for the both of us and my husband went to several fruitless interviews. Here is what drives me crazy and makes me so angry that I want to scream or cry: while I do all the computer work with my son interrupting me every few minutes, my husband READS for entertainment: BOOK AFTER BOOK AFTER BOOK, MONTH AFTER MONTH AFTER MONTH! It has gotten to the point where we barely talk a few sentences anymore. He knows I am furious, but he still does it. I feel horrible ignoring my son or letting him watch TV for hours at a time – feel terrible asking him to not interrupt. I am soooo frustrated when I can’t concentrate for a five minute span. On weekends I always take the kids to the park, the beach and friends houses…. My husband NEVER takes them (well – to be fair, the did take him to the Library for an hour three times during the last year which he never fails to point out). I am at the point where I feel like I will have a major breakdown if I can not ever have a single day a month for myself and I know if I just leave for a few hours my husband would still read and let our kids watch TV.
    I know the main reason for our troubles is the unemployment. Its agonizing, frustrating and we’re just trying to hang in there emotionally before our family falls completely apart. Good luck to all you job seekers out there!

  20. Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

    It’s always helps to vent, and I believe you are right…it helps to know you aren’t alone in a bad situation. What a difficult things to have you both laid off work. It’s tough to keep a good positive attitude during these times. But it sounds to me like your troubles are the stress of job loss with you both. I think it’s easier for women to be more flexible than men. Men are not as resilient and oftentimes they equate not working with their “manhood.” Still, you BOTH need to be taking time to relieve the other one when the job hunt is on. Television is NOT the best for young children – particularly if they are just left to watch whenever is on. Maybe it’s time for you two to get a family member or friend to watch the children for a few hours (if possible) and have a positive heart to heart. Maybe that would open new avenues and new perspectives. Take a breath and whatever transpires-stay positive for those babies and for you, mama! You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I’ll also pray the employment situation betters. With small children it’s so difficult anyway and then this has been a real challenge, I know! Keep good thoughts and draw the good to you.
    If you believe in God – pray and then trust. :)

  21. mary johnson Says:

    I am glad us woman who are dealing with an unemployed spouse have found this spot for us to vent.

    My husband finally put in one application last week. One! One in one year.

    I have a plan ready to act on for my bonus coming and am putting it in a separate account. Worse comes to worst, I am going into back up mode now since he also gave our only deduction to his ex for taxes. Like we needed to pay more in this year.

    So fustrated! I told him today I am going to quit my job! He just said go for it. dumbbbbbbbbb…….. grrrr

  22. Marsha O'Brien Says:

    One application….there is no excuse for that. Glad to hear your bonus is going to separate account. I believe you will be glad in the near future. You have the right -after all it is your bonus. I am glad you are able to vent on the blog as we all need to “get it out” If you don’t, ultimately , your explosion could be much worse and physically dangerous to you and to him. I have seen violence happen when emotions held in silence too long.

    It sounds to me as if he thinks you are bluffing-just don’t quit before YOU are PREPARED for the next path in your life. I believe you are very close to making changes for YOUR LIFE and mental health. grrrr! Great – get it out woman and it will calm you down some. Remember before a confrontation happens, take a breath and think it out (kind of rehearsal) – Be prepared for a number of different responses and it will help you ultimately. Keep your chin up.

  23. C. Paris Says:

    Wow! I am glad I found this page, seeing as I’m an unemployed man with a frustrated wife.

    It has been 6 months since I last worked, (only surviving on unemployment now) and I apply to an average of 6 jobs a week give or take. My wife is patient for the most part, but twice now she has had a “limit break” and told me about myself and the role I need to fulfill as a husband.

    She gets angry when I seem to not care and get complacent with the situation. I do want to work, I just haven’t been picked up yet, and the only thing I can do for her for now is keep the house up while searching.

    This page spoke to me because I struggle with alcohol, and having free time doesn’t help AT ALL!! Sometimes, I’m glad the drinks I enjoy most cost a lot because it is easier to pass them up while shopping. My wife knows of this struggle, but she doesn’t know how bad it really gets when the despair of not being a “man” closes in on me.

    I don’t blame her for anything. I love her to death and I want our marriage to survive this. I also wanted to share what she told me during our last talk.

    She mentioned that as time went on she felt less and less secure and she was loosing faith in me. These words struck me hard and my first instinct was anger which I had to check because she was just telling me how she felt. She then went on and said that her love for me was the only thing keeping her around, and here the kicker, saw her life being easier if she didn’t have that love. This made me actually cry. She wasn’t done with me though, and also pointed out that all my plans and attitudes seem to revolve around how I feel and how things effect me. She gave examples and everything. After the talk I couldn’t believe how selfish I had been.

    My advice to the Men: Listen to these women. REALLY listen. Some of the things they say may sound unfair to you, but you have to be mature enough to know what your faults are, and take steps to fix them. Try to avoid the despair too. I know its hard, I’m currently dealing with it.

    My advice to the Women: Patience is paramount. Find a balance in telling your husband how you feel without tearing him down. Be smart enough to tell the difference between someone who is really trying and someone who is taking advantage of you. A good way to tell is to look at the situation as an outsider, friend or family member.

    I just wanted to give a mans point of view here. We are closing in on 10 years married, and we have no children.

  24. Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

    Thank you so much for taking the time to share your situation and comments from a man’s perspective. It really sounds as if you are trying to find employment. My husband was off for seven months, and my son in law for eight months before either of them found a job. They are both working now and feel one hundred percent better. If you keep looking and be persistent, it will pay off in the long run.

    I understand that if you wore your feelings openly it would be not the normal reaction for a man. My husband was concerned too, but I didn’t know the depth of his apprehension and worry, as he didn’t want to further worry me! I feel, with you continuing to apply, that attitude of complacency does NOT mean you have accepted your situation. At the very least you are trying.

    Since you have mentioned that alcohol may be a problem with you, I want you to really try to wean it down to the very minimum. The thing about alcohol – and I fought a battle with it – and my former husband drifted into it heavily when he lost work- is this. It is a sneaky and subtle enemy. It is legal and acceptable and we tend to feel it “eases the pressure” or “relieves the tension”……it does relax the body somewhat, but the subtle HOOK will drive slowly under your skin and at some point one drink will NOT be enough.

    Your motivation will dwindle (even while you are NOT drinking). You will think you are in charge, while all the while this insidious drug will take hold of you and you will loose your spirit and come to depend on it for “relaxation.”

    I have counseled hundreds of people and it’s ALWAYS the same, without exception.

    It sounds to me that you are a wise and intelligent soul. You were open enough to listen deeply and withhold your initial anger. YOU DO LOVE HER DEEPLY, I feel. Sometimes it’s difficult NOT to be selfish – we all do it; but the true test of love is SACRIFICE. That means we need to perhaps sacrifice our own selfish concerns and step into the shoes of the person we love. It sounds like you did this!

    Of course she is not perfect either, and we women tend to think with a tad bit more emotion than a fine mix of emotion and intellect. She also needs to step back and realize you are trying….just keep that alcohol in check as it CAN RUIN the love you have between you. It ruined my marriage because he couldn’t stop and ultimately I left my husband. He died in his forties because he was no longer himself-he had become another man. He is NOT the only man who has paid with his life. I personally know of at least four men that paid with their lives.

    “My advice to the Men: Listen to these women. REALLY listen. Some of the things they say may sound unfair to you, but you have to be mature enough to know what your faults are, and take steps to fix them. Try to avoid the despair too. I know it’s hard, I’m currently dealing with it.”

    “My advice to the Women: Patience is paramount. Find a balance in telling your husband how you feel without tearing him down. Be smart enough to tell the difference between someone who is really trying and someone who is taking advantage of you. A good way to tell is to look at the situation as an outsider, friend or family member.”

    This advice is excellent. THANKS SO MUCH FOR YOUR INPUT!
    I believe I will post again the post that initiated so much response, and will absolutely include these paragraphs from you.

    I wish you the best of luck in your job hunting. Don’t give up.
    You have a great attitude and I think your wife is very fortunate to have a sensitive and loving husband such as yourself. May God bless you both!

    I teach stress management and relaxation techniques, and have a website where I try to share help for a plethora of stressful situations. I don’t sell products – only information that I share with students. There is information that can be life changing. Please feel free to check it out and I hope there is something there that can help this stressful time you both are experiencing.

    Marsha

    http://www.stressmanagementmagic.com/2010/02/contest-stress-free/

  25. SC Says:

    We have just bought an apartment in a new area so my husband gave up his job to move here, which I agreed with. However three months down the line and he still doesn’t have a resume done, spends money and time on plants for our patio and we have no money left at all. It’s a really long story why we have no money and loads of debts, but mostly due to him supporting his family. I know there are few jobs available for him right now, but he should be out there meeting people, not gardening, cooking and watching TV. I can’t complain about the cooking and he helps with childcare, does certain odd jobs for friends, etc, but I need him to get a job sorted out. I am a professional woman who had always dreamed of being able to relax and enjoy being a mum, but I have to work on the computer till 3am some nights to be able to fit in everything I have to do. And when I gently try to talk to him he goes on the defensive. I want him to learn English (he is Spanish) but he just doesn’t seem bothered and has wasted 3 months when he could have been studying and making the most of his time. Luckily my parents will be able to help us out financially, but he is almost 50 and we have no nest egg or rainy day fund, it has all been spent on previous rainy days and buying this apartment. I would love to have another baby as time is running out but how can I with no cash in the bank and an unemployed husband? The money I earn is unpredictable as I am selfemployed and I don’t get paid regularly so every month is more stressful than the one before. We have little intimacy because most of our communication is snapping at one another as he is under my feet at home and I (perhaps unfairly) resent seeing him here even if he is doing things or caring for our son. There is no real answer to this situation but I just wanted to put it down in words as it is eating me up.

  26. Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

    I do believe it is good to get your thoughts outside your head, and writing is the perfect venue to do that – however, if your words are perfectly reflecting your situation, I feel you are headed down a road that has no return….a human being can only take so much stress before all hell (excuse me) breaks loose. There has to be an answer as you have a son, and are contemplating another child. You can’t even think of another child with the situation staying the same. Your situation is NOT a good one to raise the son you have financially if things stay the same. This is not a critique of you, but cold hard economics. I am a realist. You can’t expect your parents to keep helping you.. this man is 50 and he needs to get going or pretty soon he’ll be not able to find work. Perhaps you need to consider counseling of some type – maybe through a church or friends or some place locally that offers help of some kind. You and your husband have to break through the sound barrier you have right now or you will never heal. Don’t give up. There is an answer out there somewhere..I will say a prayer for your family. :)

  27. Frannie Says:

    My husband has also been laid off this year: it happened quite suddenly the first week of January. It was truly out of the blue, as he thought he was being called into his manager’s office for praise of a recent project, but was immediately terminated instead. This layoff represents the third extended period of time since 2004 that he has been laid off or force retired; and up to that point he had had steady employment (25 years) with the same company. The last time, in 2008, I just about went bonkers because he spent $10,000 on internet prn over a 2-month period before I found out. (Yep, that’s 4 zero’s.) On top of that, he really didn’t do much job hunting, mainly relying on networking at the professional organizations, and he had one head hunter. Both in 2008 as well as this time, he seems to expect a job to fall in his lap… to come to him without him really applying. He’s applied to a few positions, as best as I can gather. What’s frustrating is that I cannot figure out a way to ask him about his job hunt without the tension building up so thick that it’s suffocating. He’s not a housekeeper at all; our house is pretty messy at all times. It’s kind of a downer to come home after 9+ hours of working hard and the kitchen sink has breakfast and lunch dishes in it, and empty coke cans are lying on the table next to the tv-sitting chair. I can deal with a messy house. The worst part, and I hate myself for this: is that I’m jealous of my husband for basically having 7 days off a week, whereas I only have 1 day off, since I take care of my sister on Saturdays. I don’t mind working, don’t get me wrong, I actually have a nice team at work and we all get along. It’s just that on many days, that little green monster of jealousy hops on my shoulder and ruins my day. I make good money; we have no children and no debt, and so technically only one of us needs to work anyway, but the two incomes give us a nice cushion and will allow us to retire earlier. Plus, when my husband’s working, he’s more energetic, eats healthier and is a better conversationalist.

    So, my questions are… and this is for anyone reading this: How can I broach the topic to my husband of how his job hunt is going? How can I relay to him how happier I think our marriage is going along when he’s working? And, how can I fight the jealousy, especially considering that me working/him not may becoming our new reality? (I don’t want to be jealous: life’s too short!)

  28. Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

    Since you asked :) – I don’t think it’s the little green monster, but the fact your husband seems to have given up doing anything. Maybe you are feeling it isn’t fair that only you work and he has taken on the new role of doing nothing. You are a better woman than I am because if my husband had spent $10,000.00 on internet porn I would have come unglued. I hate porn anyway because there is more to porn than meets the eye….I won’t expound on this right now, perhaps another time. It sounds as if you have to “walk on eggshells” in your conversation with your guy. Why not just come out and say what you wrote? “How is the job hunt going?”
    Let him know your concerns about your marriage with him adapting this new lifestyle, because obviously, you are not happy. Even if you feel jealous he’s not doing anything and you are carrying all the load – you have a right. That wasn’t the arrangement for your life when you married, eh? Perhaps you need to muster up courage to speak honestly with him.
    If he loves you and cares, you should be able to be open about such things. Let him know he’s more fun and energetic and more fun to be with when he’s accomplishing something by working. Doing nothing can eat a person-and could really damage your relationship in the long run! My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  29. Frannie Says:

    Thank you Marsha for your thought-full response. Between that and your deep-breathing technique, I feel much better and bolder already! As far as the prn, I believe my husband is over that, at least the kind that you pay for. The free kind, I’m just trusting God that he’s not in to it. My good friend advised me, as Jesus advised his disciples, to be meek as a dove but shrewd as a serpent, so I keep subtly looking for signs and thankfully finding none.

    The job search is a touchy subject for him. I think he translates my “asking” to “insinuating”, so I’ve really been watching the tone of my voice. But, even if I ask in a perky manner, my husband gets uncomfortable. The last job search he accused me of only loving him if he brought home a pay check. That’s why I’m walking on eggshells, because how the heck do you respond to something like that? Of course I love him! Actually, I’d be interested in what C Paris, or other males, would think from a man’s point of view.

    I did muster up the courage this week to talk to him about how much I feel like we are a team and we are in sync so much more when both of us are working. I told him it was a bit stressful being the only one working and that him having so much time off made me a little jealous. He seemed to get the message, however he did respond with a few attempts to justify his situation. In fact, he told me he thought it was a blessing he wasn’t working so that he could do the taxes! And, then he turned it on me saying that I was choosing to work 50-60 hours a week. (So in other words, part of the stress is my problem.) Like I said, he did seem to get what I was saying, so I plan to let him think about it for about a week and then bring it up again. Would that be a good amount of time? I like your idea of telling him how much more fun he is when he’s working; I think I mentioned that the other morning, but it’s worth repeating. I’m generally a positive person and like to focus on the positive, almost to a fault. Conversations that could end up going down a negative path, as you can tell, stress me out.

    You are very good, Marsha! Have you ever thought of starting a forum? or offering your advice for pay over the internet? I really like your style and have learned a lot reading through your blogs.

    Meanwhile, they say this to shall pass. I’m just trying to get through the “meanwhile” as best as can.

  30. Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

    So glad to hear that problem seems to be okay. I think many times when someone has been laid off or fired, it is really traumatic to one’s self-esteem and pretty much can shake up a person right to the toes! Men are particularly proud and insecurity may be the way he translates you asking him about how it’s going. He may be snapping off little comments as a rebuttal for his feeling inadequate (my husband suggested this as he did that when he was off work). You are probably not the target but are getting the arrows, nonetheless.

    Sounds like much of your courageous conversation had good results. My hubby (you said you might want a male’s opinion) – said that “justifying his situation” could be a cover-up for feeling inadequate or insecure about the future for him in the work world.

    We women often take things totally personally too. My husband says, “It’s not just about the woman’s feelings-men have feelings too-they just don’t talk about them as much or are as vocal as we are….” He’s a pretty smart guy and a realist.

    You love him. It sounds like he loves you and your communication is possible for sure!
    You are right – stay positive and try to be encouraging and proud of his accomplishments;
    my little mama told me “All men need some praise too.” I think she was right.

    Lastly – you know it – “this too shall pass.” You are doing great and you will get through this happily I think – together!

    I appreciate your kind words so very, very much. I was a personal health consultant and life coach for lots of years, on a one to one, in person. I love people discovering their own power and happiness. I am Just not familiar with forums and terrible at marketing myself. God willing….:) Thanks again and keep smiling!

  31. BELLA Says:

    I am so glad i came across this website. i am not feeling alone my husband plays the self employed type with no specific skills at hand even though he is a qualified educator. it has been about six years now i pay for my four girls university fees and high school. He vowed he will never be employed but will look for tenders and stuff. i have built our house and furnished it too. i dont have hope that things will ever change. i have lost my love for him i dont know why im with him maybe hope i dont know i am very angry but it seems as if people around me dont see this.

  32. Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

    I certainly hope all that you’ve invested in is in your name only! He sounds like a flake to me….educated or not, he is not my idea of any kind of a man. I understand why people around don’t see this. Oftentimes someone who “abuses” (and I consider this a type of abuse) is charming and his or her actions will not be apparent to others. I lived with such a man for twelve years until I realized I only have this life. I didn’t love him and I finally got wise and realized I didn’t have to live a loveless life….it was my choice. It just takes planning and courage. I don’t believe our Creator wants you to have a loveless life. I wonder, can your girls see what is happening? Are you close to them? I do agree that your situation, as it stands, is hopeless. Is your communication with your husband open? Do you two have any type relationship at all? I am not trying to be intrusive, and I will not offer suggestions if you don’t want me to do so. I have counseled hundreds of women and have seen this type of thing before. I will keep you in my prayers Bella, and if you want to share those answers, I will really give you the best I have to offer. If not – I totally understand and just pray for you!
    Marsha

  33. sheilah Says:

    We have been co habiting for the last three years, i have a 4 yr old son and 1 yr old son. My hubby has a son from his previous relationship who is 7 yrs old whom we live with. He has been unemployed for the last one and half years, i have diligently picked up on all the bills – fuel, utilites, househelp, school dues for my son and his son and give him a daily maintainece of 5 dollars every day. I ahve exhasued all our savings and he is not apprecaitve at all. He enjoys drinkign till late into the night and if i mention it, he claims that he is networking.

    Over a year ago, i confronted him about a rumour i heard regarding an extra maritail affair and the lady as expecting the same time i was. This was a big blow in all my efforts. HE HAS CONTINUALLY APLOGISED but personally i have failed to forgive him and cant truct him anymore. Our sex life is non existant and he is very remorseful but i cant take it.

    My probelm is that he has totally given up on looking out for jobs and sits home all day and whines .

    aM FED UP AND NEED to go on with my life and build a solid foundation for my kids, maybe he will mature.
    Please advsie..

  34. Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

    I am so sorry for all the trouble you are facing. It’s difficult enough just parenting, but YOU have done everything you possibly can to help, support, care for the children, and give this man an opportunity to prove himself…..he has actually done that…..and now you see he obviously is not going to change. Do you want to wait twenty years hoping he will mature?
    DO NOT COUNT ON THAT EVER!

    READ AGAIN YOUR WORDS. You are fed up. You do need to go on with your life and begin to build a solid foundation for your kids. If you cannot trust him, he’s already cheated, he drinks and lies, and just sits around and complains, YOU are OBLIGATED to your children and yourself to GIVE UP ON THE RELATIONSHIP. Do you live in his home or yours? Are you afraid of abuse if you break up?

    Tell me honestly if you believe you have the courage to make this change. Is the one year old son between the two of you? Will he take the seven year old with him? Please share with me as much as you can answering these important questions, and anything else that is of concern to you. If you want to do this privately, email me at mo@jett.net. I will keep anything you ask confidential.

    If you just want a brief bit of advice, here it is: GET OUT OF THIS AS SOON AS YOU SAFELY CAN AND PROTECT YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN FROM A TERRIBLE FUTURE!

    My prayers and thoughts are with you!
    Marsha

  35. Lee Says:

    Sheila, everything Marsha says is good advice. Grab on to this advice with both hands and run. The hardest part for you will be gathering the strength to heed the advice and put it into action. As hard as it is to do, you must try your very best to keep your emotions out of your assessment of the situation and plans to alleviate. It is more a ‘gut’ thing, then a ‘heart’ thing, that you need.

    Make sure somebody sensible knows exactly what’s going on …don’t ever cover up the truth to everyone. Don’t get on the ‘he’s just no good’ trip either and just vent about his shortcomings. It’s hardly ever that simple (he may have an incurable personality disorder). What is simple is this…

    He is demonstrating traits that do not come nor go over night. They spell BIG trouble. I can tell you this from hard experience. I was sharing similar problems to Marcia’s blog this time last year about my partner of 26 years. I supported him partly or completely for 20 of those years. Although his birth family thought him ‘do no wrong superman’ he cost me EVERY DREAM I EVER HAD, a literal fortune and PEACE OF MIND. He would literally tantrum if he did not get his own way, while turning into ‘good hearted jovial joe’ moments later.

    When I’d finally had enough, I insisted he not ignore me anymore nor threaten suicide, as he often did. I told him I needed to address the problems and find solutions. That’s all it took. He exploded, even fought with our son and daughter. So exhausted with his abuse, I did not chase around after him that night. I went to bed. He went away, took an overdose and died. His actions then, like over the years, has left very potent and horrific trauma with me and worse, our two children, worthy of a whole other story here.

    Don’t do what I did. Stand up. BE HEARD. Plan your departure. Calmy state your case to him, but do it before others prepared to witness your act of well thought out self preservation, then leave him. Do it for your yourself. Do it for your children. If he is any kind of man, it will ONLY WAKE HIM UP before he too, is a seething ball of spiteful childish hatred, ready to lash out and destroy all around him.

    I have been to hell and back this last year, more so than the 26 ugly years before it, where other women, pornography, covert drinking, deception and clever manipulation were just old haunts along the same highway. I tell you this …we must simply walk away sometimes …let some people JUST fade into history. Sometimes even OUR words are not worth uttering in their direction and THEIR words, as convincing as they may sound, are JUST WORDS.

    A real man should take your tears away, NEVER EVER cause them. A real man uses kind and constructive actions, not words and abuse, to demonstrate his convictions.

    Light speed to you darling, as you traverse these very rocky roads of life. You are not alone in your struggles. May you be blessed with a sharpened clarity now that takes you above and beyond yourself …to really see …to really hear …to wisely and determinedly move forward, to a better future. It is there …just waiting.

  36. sheilah Says:

    Thank you Marsha and lee for your responses. Iam going to respond using my private email. Thank you,

  37. marsha o'brien Says:

    My email address is mo@jett.net. You are welcome any time. God Bless!

  38. Lea Says:

    It’s been a while since anybody commented but I’m glad I found this blog. My husband and I were 40 when we got married in July, 2008. We had a daughter 9 months later. He was laid off 6 months later. Almost 19 months later he still hasn’t found employment. He does what is required to receive unemployment but doesn’t do what is required in a very competitive market. Some people would say how ‘lucky’ we are to have a parent at home. I don’t feel he works enough with our daughter. He is more on the computer or lets or watch TV. Fortunately I have a very secure job. However, I found out that all my extra work (tutoring for the school district) went to pay for all his credit cards; credit cards I told him 19 months ago to stop paying. After I thought about bankruptcy and he balked at it, we went to a financial advisor and I really saw how bad our finances were. Not MY side, but his side. Eight credit cards and high student loans. I knew about the loans but not about the credit cards. These were pre-marital. I was bringing in about $500-600 extra a month to help with my extra spending but it was all going for his credit cards.

    I have suffered from depression for many years. This has dropped me into a sediment of depression so low that I come home and get into bed. Yes, I see a doctor but medication can only do so much. I’ve lost all love that I had. I don’t want to be touched and don’t want to touch him. I no longer want to be married. Yes, I have shared this with him. I’m very critical with him. He cleans, but not very well. I don’t even go into my own kitchen (I owned my own home before I met him-it now looks like it will go into foreclosure).

    All of these feelings go against the way I was brought up-in the church. I have such an intense anger and hatred for him. I asked him one day, “If you were still living in Orlando and single, would you still be unemployed?” He answered honestly, “No.” Why? I take care of him. I didn’t get married to be my father (my mother was a SAHM). The pressure, demands, stress and worry are too much. I worked so hard and am now losing everything.

    Marital counseling? I don’t even want to to that. I did in the past but it’s too far now. Like someone mentioned above, I stay for my child. I was raised in a 2-parent household as was he. I don’t know if I could do that to her. However, I also don’t know if I could put her through the turmoil of one parent hating another.

    • Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

      Hello again Lea! I am so sorry it’s taken me so long to respond to you! I responding here as this is usually a good place to keep things pretty confidential…usually it’s the preferred method instead of using a personal email. Hope this works for you. First I need to ask you, are his back (and neck) really injured? Were you able to get x-rays, an MRI or whatever you need to be sure the injury he sustained is real? After being out of the work force and being home for so long, some men find excuses not to go back to hunting for work. I am sure men get depressed when unemployed- my husband has been off work for now over 6 1/2 months-and there are days he really gets down.

      That is understandable. A problem I see is that it sounds as if he actually wasn’t happy working at his job initially.
      It was good he went to trade school and completed it. However, it was not your job to put in applications – that sounds to me like he may not have been really anxious to return to work. Since he has been out of the work force so long, it may be difficult for him to find work unless he gets off his fanny and REALLY gets out there to look. On line is okay, but there is nothing like an employer meeting a candidate in person, and him being persistent about looking.

      Let me ask you a few questions before we go any further.
      1. What trade did he learn? What is his age?
      2. Does he have a brother, or sister to help him? Is his mom married?
      3. Does he drink?
      4. Did he have a high sex drive before this all came down?
      5. Would he ever consider counseling as a couple?
      6. Is your income enough to support the family?

      I am not trying to pry, but in order to suggest some help, I really need to know these things.

      There are a fair share of men who do not fain injuries, and who simply cannot find employment – but there are also a growing number of men who find letting the woman pay for everything is a good thing…..they do become lazy.

      Let me know the answers to these questions and I will respond shortly after receiving them and reviewing my thoughts on everything. In the meantime, DO take a breath and keep in mind, God wants wonderful things for you – keep the faith and also ask for Him to direct you mind and path. After prayers, oftentimes the instinctive gut level feelings we get are from the guidance of the Spirit from within us.

    • Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

      Hello Lea. Never got any response to your email so do hope things are better for you. I’ve not written for a few months due to “circumstances” – which I will explain in my first post.

      In the meantime, God bless – hope all is good!

  39. Janie Says:

    I’m always Googling this topic and finally stumbled across this blog. I would love to hear more about how other women in this situation have handled this. Before I got married 18 years ago, I felt like I had everything ahead of me.

    Some years after we got married, my husband lost a business. It was a horrible experience and left bad feelings among family members who were involved. The business had never done well. He made major financial mistakes with it that left us stuck living in a bad neighborhood where we’ve dealt with everything from pit bulls to shootings. As far as money, we are always living on the edge.

    Since then, he has been employed and unemployed, on again, off again. He had one well-paying job for three years. He was laid off more than two years ago. He tried for another good job, didn’t get it, then proceeded to collect unemployment while trying to make his business idea work.

    I was working from home, but knew if I stayed here we’d fall apart, so I went out and got a good job.

    He’s in his 50s. He picks up money doing various jobs for people, but nowhere near enough, while trying to make his new business work. That has never brought in anything. Right now, I do have to say he’s really trying.

    I have a daughter headed for college now. Sometimes he’ll be sitting watching TV and I’ll be screaming inside. I never relax. I’m always going through the money, trying to fix things, punishing myself for not becoming a lawyer or something. If we ever do anything social, I come home depressed, because everyone seems to be doing so well. Same thing when we visit our families, who always seem to have new cars or are going on great vacations. It’s not that I’m envious, although you might jump to that conclusion–one thing you learn is that this is a taboo subject. No one will ask about it. They all become very uncomfortable. So it’s always the same old small talk and the relationships don’t feel genuine at all. Then we’re invited to weddings and it’s always awkward, because everyone is giving these big gifts. So you begin to isolate yourself.

    I certainly don’t talk about it at work, so no one knows much about where i live or what my husband does..

    If anyone checks into this blog, thanks so much for listening. I’ve seen therapists and taken him to couple’s counseling. The message I keep getting is he’s not going to change, so I have to change myself. I feel like I’ve worked very hard at that over the years, but here I am still.

    • Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

      Will write back probably tomorrow – I’ve not written for quite a few months, but will be back to it tomorrow. Take a breath and try to relax your mind a bit if you can…I’ll write soon.

    • marsha o'brien Says:

      I am sorry I didn’t get right back to you – whoops! It’s October and your wrote in June…I am really sorry! However, I had an accident, broke my wrist, and LIFE simply interfered with my plans! :) I am back and ready to write, and I PROMISE now (I will respond today!)
      It will be later…but a promise is a promise. I hope you are doing well, and life is being gentle with you!

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  41. marsha o'brien Says:

    I promised I would get back to you tonight, but life has come between me and my intention….this is where my stress management background is invaluable. I will write soon. God bless!
    We do what we can, eh?

  42. Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

    Janie – I posted a response to your comments. I apologize for not doing it sooner. I send to you love and blessings and hope your life has improved 100%!

  43. Sue Says:

    Wow, I so related to much of what Janie wrote. My husband was laid off in November 2008. Shortly after that, he was diagnosed with cancer. Thankfully, he was able to get treatment before the benefits ran out. However, he has never been able to go back for post cancer check-ups. Last month he finally returned to work. I was thrilled, he was not. He tells me now that he was grateful but all I heard was complaining. He was laid off again last week. I’m in utter despair. I have prayed for so long but now I simply fear what else God will allow us to endure. After all this time it’s difficult to believe we will ever go back to “normal.” I have contemplated divorce but that will only add a new set of stresses, especially to our kids. Plus, I have no Biblical grounds. My husband does not lie, cheat, steal, drink … He simply is not aggressive about doing whatever it takes to provide for his family. So I don’t know what to do. I wish he had an older brother or dad to sock him and say, “Man up!” Now he is telling me that he is trying to make changes. After all this time, it’s really difficult to believe him. I think he wants to make changes but whatever it was that prevented this from happening before, is probably still in him. If anything, he’s more insecure than ever. I simply need a miracle. Has anyone out there experienced any miracles of late? I need to know they still exist.

  44. Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

    Of Course miracles still exist! We have the power of prayer for one thing….and just because we don’t always see the answers we would like come to fruition – it doesn’t mean God isn’t looking out for our interests! God gave us free will, and though I can’t remember the passages referral in the Bible ( I know what the Bible says, but have never memorized where it’s said) ..it also says, “Each man must choose” and “time and circumstance happen to all men.

    If you believe in God then prove it by keeping the faith – that means never give up hope and turn your concerns over to him in prayer. I believe God allows us to “endure” until we learn to really trust Him and follow the Serenity Prayer (you can see it on line if you are not familiar with it :)

    These times are horrific for the male gender. First, I am so glad your husband survived cancer. That in itself, is a miracle. The employment (or unemployment factor) has hit American men straight in the heart and head!

    I kind of don’t believe everything EVER is normal – it’s all about
    change; we can count on that! It’s also all about how we respond to change…our response is our only choice.

    I am NOT making excuses for “bad behavior”, but I am taking into consideration the male train of thought. My husband was unemployed for seven months and has been working off and on for a few months now.

    He is usually very confident, but this flip flop of jobs and income has him feeling “everything is against him.” Many men feel depressed and discouraged these days. We go week from week struggling to meet our debt and just exist.

    I think women are able to be more flexible about things, but therein,
    we are USUALLY not the primary providers. Most men take this responsibility seriously, and so when it falls apart they sometimes do to.

    You are blessed to have a man who does not lie, cheat, steal, and especially one who doesn’t drink! You said he doesn’t lie, so when he says he’s trying….perhaps he is. Employment is tough now.

    There are so many people looking for jobs, only the candidates who
    fill EVERY desire of the employers are working. My husband is worried because he’s 50, and feels he should be settled in work and finances. It doesn’t help to say “many men are facing the same problem” – trust me!

    If you have open communication perhaps you could be loving and supporting and encourage him by letting him know all the qualities you appreciate, and making planting some seeds you think would motivate or stimulate his actions.

    I will be praying for you all, and will hope you let me know how things are going. NEVER give up on God and miracles and hope!

    Thank you for sharing your concerns, and I hope you CREATE a wonderful day.

    Marsha

  45. help with electricity bill Says:

    help with electricity bill…

    [...]An unemployed husband or mate – Beware! Be sure to read to end! « Relax, it’s just Life![...]…

    • Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

      ANGEL, my sweet angel! So nice to hear from you. Life has been keeping me from enjoying the realm of reading and writing on the internet. I have thought of you so often and wonder how you are? Where are you? Are you happy? Please drop me an email and I shall be thrilled to get it! Much love, Marsha

  46. Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

    The new directory on the German market in 2010 – the Besucher-Anzahl DieGewerbeseiten online fraud in November, 20.3 million –

    Can you clarify? :)

  47. TrudyBird Says:

    I have been married for 10 years. I’m 60 and he is 54. He has been out of work for 10 months and shows no interest in finding a job. He is severely diabetic and refuses to test himself, although he has all the equipment to do so. He is an adult picky eater and will only eat pizza, chips and junk food. After two years of marriage he told me of a sexual fettish he had and really needed me to participate. I’m afraid I cannot. It’s simply something I can do and that is final. We haven’t been intimate for 5 years. He is a brilliant musician and we have a small, but excellent studio in our tiny home where he spends all day dinking around with music, but shows no desire to promote or sell his creations. I am so done… but he threatens to kill himself if I were to ask for a divorce. The thing is… he’s doing that before my eyes by not checking his diabetes and eating junk food all day. His parents are dead. He has no living siblings and few friends. He’s on unemployment and would have no where to go if I asked for a divorce. I do not love him anymore. I care for what happens to him, but I want my live back. I’ve got a job that would take care of me… but not him. He’s had medical counciling about his diabetes. He just doesn’t care. He does next to nothing around the house. He’s very passive aggressive in his treatment of me. He has an old girlfriend across the country that pines away for him. Should I suggest he go back to her????

    • Lee from Australia Says:

      Dear Trudy,
      I hope you have already moved on from the situation that you posted. Please believe me, I am very familiar with your situation. Marsha could vouch for me. My husband of 26 years, with a history no real focus beyond the local surf club, token/short term employment, multiple courses, then almost no employment at all for the last 8 years, ended in his suicide in Dec 09, after an argument with our beautiful teenage daughter (we have a son too). She dared, like me, to question his intentions, direction, motives and treatment of us. She has tried 3 times to take her life since his family rang and said to her, “You killed your father.” My gut had screamed at me about him and his family for years. But I withdrew out of sheer exhaustion and just occasionally blew my stack. Seemed little point. He had broken every rule in book. He and his family told me, “Oh get over it and stop living in the past”. Intentionally or not, they tore our lives apart and my daughter is still very unwell and my son is withdrawn from the tragedy that was their father and his birth family. I had no birth family to offer, only a few friends like Marsha. Please. It is a mistake to lose yourself in the quagmyre of others, no matter how close they feel. Every day do something to reclaim your independence – just like you are leaving home to set out on your first big adventure. Separate everything. Financials, belongings, plans, everything!!! Push him off with your blessing. Then bless yourself for having the courage, wisdom and strength to be the steadfast owner/operator of your own lifeboat. It is your life. Grab it now and set sail. Let him bail and row his own busted arse boat. Love Lee.

  48. Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

    Let me be perfectly honest…….GOOD GRIEF, TELL HIM TO GO BACK TO THE GIRLFRIEND, but here’s an idea how….. I’d even buy him a ticket. Tell him you think you need time apart to think about your marriage, but don’t tell him your done yet. Give him hotel and food money. Make it a one way ticket (so he can let you know when he needs the return one), and has time to see his old girlfriend, and also think things over. When he is gone, go to an attorney to start the divorce; get a restraining order if you are afraid!

    You said it. You are done. Life is short and the question is do you really want any more of this crap life? I KNOW this method works if handled right as I did it to a piece of garbage I couldn’t get rid of, some years ago. Best decision I ever made!

    You could die tomorrow – or live 30 years……ONLY YOU can be your own best friend. Sounds to me like you deserve some life.

    I’ll be praying for you. Know the serenity prayer? Says it all.
    Keep me posted.

    • TrudyBird Says:

      Thanks, Marsha… What you’ve said rings true and sounds good to me. The only thing is I live from check to check. I don’t have the money to buy him any kind of airfare. It would be across the country. His truck is paid for, so I’m thinking he can load up what he wants to take with him and ship the rest. His equipment in his studio is worth 10 times what my little singlewide mobile home and contents are worth. I could die tomorrow. I don’t think I will, however and I really want to look forward to my future, instead of watching someone kill themselves before my eyes. I do have an attorney I’m going to go see. I need to watch out for myself. I’m used to taking care of him and ignoring my own needs. He will have to be independant for the first time in his life… seriously. He lived with his parents until I met him. God… I should have known. He is a person of a gentle nature. He is passive aggressive and takes his frustrations out with self abuse, which of course affects me greatly. It’s time for him to grow up and for me to start taking care of myself.

      • Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

        Yes it is! Past time. I hope I wasn’t too harsh, but time if fleeting and perhaps this will also be the very best thing for him! He is a man and needs to act like a man. You must care for you, for in this particular situation, you have found, YOU must be your best friend.

        As a single woman, still young, savor what is remaining of your life. Do things you’ve dreamed of doing – go to church and join a women’s group (that can be lots of fun, with the right group)- start
        doing something you have thought of doing, and begin your life again.

        Just take a breath, muster up your courage, and get this thing done.
        You know it’s past time.

        Love and prayers,
        Marsha

  49. TrudyBird Says:

    Thanks again, Marsha… I have kept myself busy these last 10 years with community theater. I’m on a couple of board of directors regarding arts in the community. I paint and do photography. I did church for 30 years and I’m pretty much done with that, but the fact is… I know what I want and who I am. I even wrote a monthly arts column for our local newspaper. I am FULL of life and activities. I’ve had to have these things in my life as a distraction from the tragedy happening before my eyes at home. I am 60, but a very young 60. My close girlfriends have told me I’ve needed to “kick him out”. The guy is really sick, both physically and mentally. It’s hard to be in the same room with him becasue if his self pity and unkempt physical appearance. He’s slept on the couch for a couple of years which is good since I’m lucky he takes a shower once a week. He tried anidepressants and tossed them out. I have exhausted myself in begging him to eat right, to test his blood sugar… I’m so emotionally worn down I don’t want to go home after work. I’m ready!

    • Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

      You just made my day again! I really am proud of you and though I am far from an angel – I love the idea (I often fly in my dreams!). Any wisdom I ever share is simply what the good Lord provides me to share. Keep me posted!

  50. Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

    “I know what I want and who I am….I am Full of life and activities.”
    You sound like a woman ready to live!

    You aren’t his mama (though we women often in trying to help confuse the role of wife and mama). You need to do it NOW…..for this moment is all we have! I will keep praying for you and look
    forward to hearing from the young and happy woman hanging out inside your body! Love and blessings.
    P.S. Sounds like you have girlfriends – they are a great support system…keep close touch with them!

    • TrudyBird Says:

      I do have wonderful friends, but sometimes it’s good just to write it down and have someone like you, outside of my circle of friends, give me the emotional support that I’ve needed to see the end of the tunnel. I will keep in touch and thank you for listening to me and telling me what I’ve already known all along, but have been dragging my feet. I’ve been married before and I simply didn’t want another divorce… but you know… no one should be subjected to a life of unhappiness either. I’ll be back later with more news. Yes… I’m afraid… but I have to start someplace. Thank you, Marsha!

  51. Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

    I am thrilled you have great friends, but I think, too, writing it down someway releases it from within even more than speaking. And when we read what we’ve written, we actually listen to what we’ve thought! I was married before, and so on….ha ha….just wanted to get it right, and it is right-now! I don’t believe we are supposed to be unhappy either. Why? It’s silly how we are sometimes so afraid of change. Can’t be worse than being as miserable as you’ve been. You’ll be in charge and you can designate- HAPPY. Positive. Etc.
    Do keep me posted and I’ll keep sending you love and lend you some of my courage. You’ll find once you put your little toe in the water for a minute suddenly it’s not as cold as it was a second before. Onward and upward. CHOOSE your path!

    • TrudyBird Says:

      Hey, Marsha… Guess what… I got a $1,000. bonus at work. I walked 2 blocks from work to my attorney’s office and had him draw up the divorce papers. I asked my husband for a divorce a little over 3 months ago. I simple told him, “You know, I think we make better friends than spouses.” He agreed. With the next breath I asked him for a divorce, while I had the papers in my purse waiting to be signed. He reluctantly said ok. I told him I’d give him 3 months to get his life in order, but he had to be out in 3 months. He sold his truck. I ended up emailing his ex fiancee and told her I was divorcing him. I told her I was worried about him and asked her to call him. I gave her our home phone number. She called him and within a couple of weeks they were engaged!!!! He knows he can’t take care of himself. With the money from the sale of his truck, he rented a 16 ft moving truck, packed up his belongings and studio and drove off to Georgia. He arrived in one piece and they are about to tie the knot. I cannot tell you the relief I feel. I want to dance a happy dance! I feel like singing again and I haven’t for years. I can take care of myself. I’m doing it!!! I had to write and let you know. I had finally reached my point of saying enough. He took his bills with him and has started the process of bankruptsy. That leaves me with just my rent and car payment. I got a new car in my name for the first time in my life. I’m beyond happy. I wish him luck and happiness with his new life with a woman who can give him what he seeks. I’l be his friend long distance, but I’ll never be someone’s mommy again. Thank you for your encouragement and sound advise. We women have more power in our favor than we realize. We just need the courage to make it happen and trust in God’s timing. Whew! What a ride! I feel GREAT! I’ve lost 34 pounds. Went from 174 to 140. I can claim my home as my own and not tip-toe around the house. It’s all about timing. God supplied me with the money at His time and made it happen for me. I listened.

      • Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

        Oh my dearest WOMAN! I am so happy for you….I am smiling, got tears in my eyes, and actually goose-bumps for you empowering yourself and taking care of you. You never did want to be a man’s mommy! Just to let you know, your happiness is catching. I just got up and did my own happy dance! WOWEE! I am so proud of you I could burst. Thank you for making my day…..you are the one that made it happen though – YOU and YOU alone! Of course, I always pray and I believe constant prayer empowers us, and also quelling those emotions and using our brains, helps. :)
        I AM SO VERY-very-very-very happy for you! God bless you
        sweetheart and thank you so much for keeping me updated!

      • TrudyBird Says:

        Marsha… You are my guardian angel. Thank you for your prayers. I believe in them as well. May God bless and keep you safe in the palm of His hands.

  52. Jasmin Says:

    Hi,I too am a wife living in frustration. I have been married for 3 years. before our marriage…(I know, I know)…he lost his job. I know this should have been a HUGE red flag, but I believed in him. I believed he would get a job. He has had 2 jobs in 3 years that have lasted at the most 8 weeks each. tHey were both temporary Jobs. These jobs are menial and basically are minimum wage which is a big change from his career. he has decided to change careers because his old career is not really applicable anymore and he didnt like what he did before. At first, I was supportive…but I thought he would be working while he figured out what he wanted to do. The problem is…he is mid 40’s…changing careers..He has run out of unemployment. I dont feel that he is looking for work. I am not even sure if his resume is updated. Everything is on me. i know I dont sound very supportive, but I feel empty. I have supported him with hopes that he will find a job and be responsible. This is my second marriage and I am scared to death that It will be another failed marriage if he does not find work soon. I have become very resentful. I admit, every problem..I blame on him not working. I do love my husband. He is a loving, caring, wonderful man who loves me unconditionally. He is actually everything I have asked for in a man. When I divorced from my first marriage, I asked god to please send me (basically the opposite man that I had before) I got everything I asked for! We have tried counseling. I have told him honestly that I am upset almost all of the time because he does not work. I hate waking up in the mosrning while he is in bed and I have to get ready to start my day. I hate coming home to clutter, or him being gone. I have 2 kids from a previous marriage and he has a child. I am now supporting 5 people. I dont think he is being a good role model to the children because of his lack of motivation. I dont know what to do. I dont want to leave him. I simply want him to get a job. I dont think I can be happy if he does not work. Any suggestions?

    • Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

      Good morning Jasmin. I read your comments several times. Yes, you did miss a “sign” prior to marriage, but as they say, sometimes love is blind. I’ve been there and of course, you want your second marriage to work-I been there too! Women have a huge habit of taking the blame, saying “I’m sorry” too much, and “justifying” behavior-whether it be a partners or our own. Don’t shortchange your feelings. “I don’t think I can be happy if he does not work.”
      Well…………You should read your words again. Just because he seemed to have every characteristic you wanted, doesn’t mean he didn’t have behaviors you were unaware of, in the beginning. My husband calls it the “impression stage” – it takes a while for the real man to surface. I “loved” my second husband when I divorced him.
      Love can change. You can still love someone and be at a point that you cannot bear to live with them any more. If he is a “wonderful, loving and caring man who loves you unconditionally, he will CARE about getting out there and finding a way to take the total burden off of you and help financially. Love is not just “accepting” the basics of a person – looks, personality etc. It also means SACRIFICE. Part of love is sacrificing to give to your mate what is needed. Think about it. I am not an advocate of divorce, but sometimes it is necessary. You say you are not happy and will not be unless he works and shows motivation. You say he is not a good role model for your children (you ARE your children’s teacher and guardian).
      You must be bold to protect them….and yourself. It appears that you have tried almost everything to get him moving, except a kick in the ass. How about mustering up your courage and telling him (and this is just a suggestion) – “I am not going to spend the rest of my life being the only wage earner for this family. I think it would be best if we separate (since you don’t want a divorce) until you pull yourself together and start providing for us too…this is a partnership, and you are failing as a provider and role model. It would be much easier for me to NOT see you and be all mad about this, than living with you. When you pull yourself together and find work then we can talk about getting back together. I’ll give you time to do that, but if you cannot do that, there is no longer a purpose in our marriage…..” or something to that effect. You will NEVER change things unless you draw a line of demarcation and set YOUR wishes and life as a priority. You have tried everything else. It is difficult to be this strong, but you have children and women have an empowerment and resources inside to pull things together. I will pray for you Jasmin. If YOU don’t do something, nothing will ever change and he will be a poor role model for you kiddos , and you will wind up divorcing him and hating him anyway. Reach into your heart and stand back from your emotions and use your intellect.
      I really will pray for you, but it is in your hands – and yours alone!
      I send love and prayers. Read the comments from TrudyBird…..
      never give up hope!

  53. Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

    Yes, a few thoughts Jasmin…but today I don’t even have time to write a post. I will respond tomorrow when I can, and in the meantime just say, love on your children, look into their eyes and remember you are their lifeline and their teacher. Pretend this is happening to your best friend and from “a distance” think of what you might say to her. I won’t forget to write. Take a breath and be grateful he isn’t the kind to physically abuse you. Does he drink?
    I will write tomorrow. It feels good just getting it out of your head doesn’t it? God bless.

  54. Jasmin Says:

    thank you Marsha. I think I have said everything except those direct words to him. I know what I need to do. Just need strength. I am torn because he is a good man. he is a great father to my kids as well as his own. we all live together. It breaks my heart even thikning about pulling our family apart. There are many pieces to this puzzle…If he leaves, he would most likely take his daughter (who does not have a biological mother) I am sure they would both move in with his Mother. but it would desrtoy the relationship that I have with his daughter (who has issues because of her bio mom leaving her), my relationship with his mother (she would prob. never talk to me again). his mother is the only family that I have near me. She has taken the roll of grandmother to my kids as well. My mother and father have passed. I would truly be alone. My kids would just have me. I dont have any friends. I am not from here. All I do is work, so I have zero time for anything else except kids and work. You asked if he drinks, never. He is a good man. He just is not supporting me or our family and you are right…it is driving me crazy. It is not like I am making a million dollars a year and he can be mr. mom. nor would I ever be ok with that. We are stretched so thin. Everything is in my name..my house that is falling apart that needs fixing(another part of my resentment..if he is home…he should be fixing things!!!) I have 2 cars..both in my name. If he left, he would leave with the clothes on his back pretty much and that is so sad. I know he is capable of making money. he did it before! He just choses not to. Now its been so long, I am not sure if anyone would hire him. Anyway, my first marriage was the drunk. He was abusive physically and mentally. I stuck with it for 14 years. Then I got remarried thinking I deserved love and my kids needed to see what a real realtionship was like. Like I said, I got everything I asked for. he is amazing, wonderful and loving and respectful. I am the one who is losing respect for him and I am being very mean everyday because I cant stand that he is home with my kids when I work 10 hours a day. Sometimes I feel like I am being selfish and should just be happy with him. I hope I can. Thank you for listening.

    • Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

      Good grief – didn’t mean to lie to you :) – so much that was unexpected yesterday and today…I will say this, you haven’t heard from the last of me! (hahah). I am praying for you.

      • Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

        I read you really are fearful of a change because you fear you will be alone…you definitely are mixed up about it all. That is not abnormal. Within your mind you have two trains of thought that are completely opposite.

        On one hand, you give him accolades for being all those thingsyou mentioned. On the other, you are growing to really dislike and disrespect him because of his idle behavior and laying the whole responsibility on you.

        You said you have said everything except “those direct word “. I think it is important you express your feelings to him, saying directly what you are feeling, and that though you think all those good things, you are beginning to dislike and disrespect him, and what is he going to do about it. You have to be firm, as it is not a question as far as your feelings. YOU HAVE A RIGHT to expect things from a relationship-it should be give and take. Obviously you do not plan to spend your entire life with your emotions out of kilter and negative. That’s not good for you or your children.

        What will happen if you do not start a communication on this issue, is your dislike will ultimately turn to hate. This I guarantee.

        Keep in mind, one of descriptions of the word GOOD is “having the qualities required for a particular role”. A couple of descriptions for the word RESPECT are: have regard for, be mindful of, comply with.. ”

        To me it seems he is not fulfilling part of the role of (at least), co-provider. As far as showing respect, being respectful – his disregard for you taking on all the responsibility seems to one hundred percent.

        Think about it. You are so torn sit down and HONESTLY write the positives and negatives of this marriage. For example:
        You said he is a great father. (Personally he isn’t being a very good role model in my mind.)

        Positive: Great Father Negative: Won’t provide.

        It will take some thought and be completely honest with yourself.
        Women have a tendency to “justify” things as we don’t want our dreams to be dashed…but this is becoming more of a nightmare from your comments.

        Re-read your own words and your list. Talk to him being very open and honest. Not in an angry tone as fighting does nothing; just be realistic.

        I will be praying for you. Please let me know how you are doing, and I also send love and blessings. Prayers do get answered. Maybe not always what we “think” we want, but better. I promise.
        It’s got to be in God’s time. Take a breath!

  55. Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

    I will respond later today. I am in the midst of a very busy (unexpected) morning and early afternoon. Take a breath and I will contact you later today.

  56. Marie Says:

    I have been with my boyfriend almost a year now. We are both in our mid to late 30s. Neither one of us has kids. My boyfriend has health issues, and wasn’t able to work for the first 7 months of our relationship. He finally found a job in May but lost it within 3 weeks due to downsizing at the job. He has been looking for another job, but I’m not sure how hard. We don’t live together and he doesn’t talk a lot about his job searches. Our plan is, once he has a job and is back on his feet, that we will move in together, either in his place or mine (we both own our own homes). I have this fear though, that he’s really not looking like he could be. What happens if we move in together and he needs to look for employment again, will it take this long for him to find another job?

    He doesn’t ask me to buy him things, doesn’t like me to spend money on him, etx, so in some ways I feel like it’s none of my business. Maybe I’m being a control freak but him not working brings up all sorts of fears for me because I have an ex who didn’t work most of the time we were married and I never want to be in another long term relationship like that again.

    Should I talk to him about my fears or will that put him into a corner? I know it’s more co dependent not to mention it then it is to discuss it, but I don’t know how to go about it. Do you have any advice for me?

    Thanks!

    • Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

      I understand your concerns. Once burned, sometimes it is difficult to recover. “Once he has a job and is back on his feet…” – was that the plan you both agreed upon? Did you speak about “keeping the job any length of time” before either of you plan on moving in?

      It is good you both have homes, as if it doesn’t work out, you both will have a place to be…without undo stress. Of course ideally, it will work.

      Personally, I think it’s ALWAYS IMPORTANT to be frank and keep your communication line open. If a long term relationship is possible in the future, that is critical for a strong relationship.

      Your fears are important, and if you are important to him, I can’t see how that would put him in a corner. He should want to calm your fears and make you happy.

      You could discuss your thoughts with him and let him know you have been through things similar and don’t plan on going through the same thing again…you want a frank exchange to see if you are on a level playing field. These are some of the most wonderful years, and you have the right to have expectations of what you want to happen in your life. Be loving and choose your words wisely, and remember if you can’t be honest that is a terrible beginning for you for a lifelong relationship.

      I always pray about everything before I jump in, and ask God’s words and heart to come from me. Take a breath to calm yourself in your communication, and keep it light – but LISTEN to him, listen to your intuitive feelings.

      I hope it goes well for you Marie. I have been totally awesomely
      married for 24 years and I believe much of it is our open line of communication and making sacrifices of sorts to fulfill the others needs. You can do it-don’t let “fear” stop you from being up front about your feelings.

      Nothing to fear. You never have to settle and you always have a choice. Be honest Marie, and God bless!

  57. traci Says:

    Thank you so much for all your uplifting replies. My husband doesn’t drink but I feel like my situation has become so depressing that I’m searching on the internet on ways to cope with a husband who just doesn’t bring in income. We’ve only been married a little under a year. The end of November is our anniversary and he was laid off a couple of weeks before our wedding :( He barely started looking for a job 3 weeks ago. I’ve done my best to be supportive and loving and patient but I’m so depressed AND bored and I want to be able to save some money to go back to school and get a car. He says he wants to provide for me and make me happy but he has also said that if he feels like I’m forcing him to go out and work then he will resent me and he’ll just work and bring money and give me no affection or attention. He is a good guy, but as time has gone on and after too many fights so early on (because I’m stressed and frustrated living paycheck to paycheck) the relationship is stale. We don’t go out at all, we hardly make love any more, and he never compliments me or tells me I look nice which would at least lift my spirits. He used to cook and clean but he hardly does that, and I’m so tired when I come home to cook but when I do he eats it up and goes back for seconds. He tells me he appreciates me sometimes but its value is lost when I am up early getting ready for work and he is sleeping in. :( I want my marriage to work and I don’t want to have this “The Grass is Green elsewhere attitude” but I’m kind of ready to go. The main thing keeping me here is God and I fear for his well-being. But my health is falling apart mentally and physically. Its comforting to know that other women are going through this too. I’m waiting patiently for him to change. I’m giving him until the new year but I don’t think I can hang in there much longer. If he worked he would make twice as much as me because of his field of work and his degree. I have no degree and I am an Admin Asst. :( Only a year marriage thats not a good look. Maybe I should be patient. He also told me that the reason he hasn’t looked for work is because of my negative attitude which breaks my heart. I am now blaming myself for him not being able to work and I wonder if I remove myself form his life maybe he will be able to better himself. I ask God to forgive me for complaining. Thank you so much for allowing us to share our stories here. I’m so sad. :(

    • Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

      Hi Traci. Thank God your husband doesn’t drink. My daughter is going through rough times with an alcoholic husband. I am so sorry you are feeling so sad and depressed. Women (for the most part) always go the extra mile. I am sure you’ve been supportive, loving and patient, but I think he may be a hopeless case.

      “He says he wants to provide for me and make me happy but he has also said that if he feels like I’m forcing him to go out and work then he will resent me and he’ll just work and bring money and give me no affection or attention. ”

      I will be blunt. What a crock of shit! I can’t yet find what makes him a good guy. It sounds like he has turned into a lazy user who is just simply taking advantage of the fact you work and he doesn’t have to do so. His words of appreciation feel empty to me. Of course you want your marriage to work – all people hang on to their dreams, and marriage should be sacred, but this man would have been out looking for work long before now. Even men with degrees have taken lesser positions to support their loved ones. I think he has no intention of changing.

      I cannot speak for God, but I do not believe our Creator wants us to suffer and suffer throughout our lives if we can change our lives. What a cruel God that would be to expect us to continue on a path of destruction…..and your health and mental state is deteriorating.

      “He also told me that the reason he hasn’t looked for work is because of my negative attitude which breaks my heart. I am now blaming myself for him not being able to work and I wonder if I remove myself form his life maybe he will be able to better himself.”

      Okay once again I will be blunt. That blaming you is a loser’s way of relieving himself of any responsibility. Give me a break. This man is hopeless (I believe).

      He isn’t loving you or thinking of you. Maybe you should remove yourself from his life and YOUR LIFE WILL BE BETTER! You aren’t his mommy, and you are not required to support a man who simply chooses to live the life of luxury off of you! I am sorry, I don’t mean to be mean, or hurt your feelings, but I have not only counseled hundreds of women who have has these problems, I have experienced these things myself in past years.

      God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
      Change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

      Let’s start loving YOU. God helps those who help themselves!
      Read TrudyBird’s comments. She has wisdom to share. Women are stronger than they know, and you need to pray and trust God will direct you!

      My prayers and thoughts are with you. Much love, Marsha

  58. TrudyBird Says:

    Traci
    You have far more power over the situation than you realize. When you finally have had enough… you’ll use that power and say, “Enough!”
    Life is far too short to live with unhappiness 24/7. It’s just not worth the pain, worry and physical stress. God does take care of those who take care of themselves. That’s why He gave us brains to think with. Laying the blame on you is an old trick of control and is very passive agressive. Unless you plan on being treated this way for the rest of your life… I’d start saving every penny I could for an escape. I lived with a husband who lived off me for a total of 4 years out of 10 and the last year and a half he showed no interest in finding work at all. Yeah… me going to work and him sleeping in really fried my patience. He didn’t lift a finger to help in anyway. I really felt like a fool. So you see dear… I do understand. It’s up to you to figure if you want to spend the rest of your life like this. As soon as the opportunity presented itself… after 10 years of nonsense… I asked for a divorce. It’s done and I’m FREE!!!

    • Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

      Thank you so much for your comments! All wisdom is grately appreciated and valued. So many women are suffering needlessly.
      You rock for taking time to share! God bless.

      • traci Says:

        Thank you so much Marsha,
        I truly do appreciate your advice. Its hard to walk away, well I’ll have to kick him out on the street. He has no place to go. Its complicated. Once during a fight, I said I want a divorce he said fine but you have to let me stay here until I get on my feet and get a job. We ended up working it out and staying with each other but I was shocked! How do I throw a 200 lb man out of my house?? Its not a laughing matter. I have decided over the last couple of days that I will no longer give him money or support his smoking habit. I love him but I am FED UP! Thanks again ladies!

  59. Lee Says:

    Hey Marsha,
    Miss you :( Been emailing but …?
    Lee from Oz

  60. sreech Says:

    Thank you.

  61. Marisa Talavera-Hind Says:

    my husband and i recently separated. ive have just recently found a job after being unemployed for 3 months. we just seemed to stop being able to communicate. there has just been soo much going on and i didnt know what else to do, but to ask him to leave. he has not had income for about 1 month now, and i just cant afford our household when it doesnt seem that he is attempting to find a job. we cant afford full time childcare so he watches the kids when im at work, then he goes back to where he is staying. looking back at this i have put up with alot, and dont see why i keep trying. so now it just seems like our time working on the relationship, family time, everything…is soo complicated. i just dont know if i should keep trying, where to find help, when to know its enough, how and what to talk about. is it fair to want some down time some time away from the house, the kids, everyone. someone please help…

    • Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

      Hello Marisa. Life can be so complicated and difficult sometimes, and we all find ourselves in a mess now and then. Take a breath or two. In the long-run, it will all work out – believe it or not! I think you did the right thing in separating. If you have no communication, you cannot continue even a fairly decent relationship. You are fortunate he will watch the children while you are at work. How old are they and does he drink? I am not trying to be intrusive, but would like to know more so I can say prayers and hopefully be given words for you that might be of some help to you; at least you know, you are NOT alone. God is always with us, and there are MANY women who are in a similar position.

      I know a young woman who has finally, after nine years, found the courage to separate, and now divorce. It has been four months since her separation, but she is beginning to find herself again, and is becoming a happier person – and so are the children also happier and calmer.

      Of course you need “down time” – but that isn’t always possible…I found my down time in prayers before bedtime, and then writing.
      Use your oxygen as a tool. When we are stressed we actually slow our breathing, which in turn, keeps us tense and unable to make
      good decisions.

      Please let me know a few specifics so I can gear my prayers for you and my conversation. I believe you made the right decision. In a relationship you CANNOT be the only one trying! If you don’t want me to answer here, let me know and I will do so privately via email.

      There is a world of help available; we just need to stay calm, for the children’s sakes (what ages are they?), and for your sake! You will be in my thoughts and prayers. You do have people who care….I bet there are women right now in a similar position who are sending their love via the airwaves. Be strong – help is coming. :)

      Love, Marsha
      P.S. Even if you don’t believe in God, take time to drop on your knees alone and pray….just the time reviewing what your needs are and the quiet time you take to pray will help. However, with all my heart I believe God is watching you and will help.

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