It’s not always easy, but easier than you might think. If you can take a breath stretch your patience and use these techniques. A first step is to encourage your children to express feelings honestly, even if it’s difficult for you to accept.
When a child listens and is righteous (particularly pre-teens and teens) it is
easy to love them and show patience. At other times, when a child is obviously rebellious, you might feel immediately like lowering the boom.
If you do it without thinking first, the next time that child wants to air feelings honestly, they may instead, lie and say what they think you want them to hear. They may become fearful of retribution.
Disrespect should be promptly corrected, but there is a difference between chastising and teaching a child how to communicate politely, and dictating what they will say because they are fearful.
All children lie at some point. They may be wonderful children, but still, when they try to spread their wings by interrupting and voicing their opinions, many adults will not understand why they are doing this.
Visualize this child as a man or woman. Would you not want them to feel confident enough to speak up when they feel it is right or important? Remember you can say calmly, “don’t interrupt” you will get your turn. Then don’t forget to give it to them! If they are not supposed to be in the conversation then politely tell them not to interrupt. If they aren’t supposed to be involved, let them know, politely, they need to leave to do something else. No insult intended, this is just not their business.
Look into the child’s eyes and remember: no matter how irritating, this is that little baby you have protected and nurtured to this point. It may be difficult to think clearly when we are angry, but you want to keep the line of communication OPEN and them NOT afraid to be honest with you.
Keep criticism to a minimum and make your responses calm and effective.
Ask yourself is what you are going to say or do, really true or accurate. It is easy to forget all the success’ of your child, all the small accomplishments they make every day.
Separate your feelings and emotions from the facts. Flip over to your intellect and be a good teacher. Challenge your child with thoughts he or she may not have conceptualized as yet. Before you accuse the child of being a failure or lazy, use your intellect to turn the situation into a positive
response, and help the child to see clearly where you are coming from.
It may not be this incident that is causing you to loose it. The child may not be the target, but just standing in the way and cutting loose the arrow that was bound to release at some point. It might be a culmination of incidents,
lack of rest, worry about finances, or some other problem that is just triggered by the child’s mouth or actions.
A powerful response is to stop and take a breath before responding to the child. When we are stressed out we stop breathing, and the lack of oxygen does not allow us to respond optimally. Use your breath as a tool. A secret weapon. You will find you will be calmer, it will only take a few seconds and your thinking will be clearer, and you will respond instead of bursting out without thinking.
Here’s a trick. Just say to your child. “Just a moment please. I need to calm down.” We are oxygen machines and it WILL WORK! The principle must be applied though, for the madder we get, the less oxygen we take in and the more radical we become. Honestly. It is the psychology of the body.
The things you do and say while your children are at home will affect their lives forever.
They will come back as a ghost to haunt you if you are NOT in charge of your mouths and actions.
Don’t throw away the children. I never didn’t love my children with all of my heart, and I would kill anyone else for ever harming them, but I made so
many mistakes that I wish I hadn’t! It’s simpler than you think if you just think!
Have a beautiful day and notice small things….even just a beautiful sky can brighten your day. Hug your child!