How would you begin the reckoning of YOUR life?

I ponder events to find resolve, to find the path of finality, and the purpose for being captive on this planet.

I had it all but I threw it away. I disguarded the most precious people in my life…for a time. I blew away half a decade of my life with folly. I buried my true spirit and love beneath “self and the elements of evil.”

As time approaches the calling hour, I have had an epiphany; the moment of revelation that opened vast torrents of sorrow and disbelief in choosing to loose so much of the gift of life.

The good things I’ve done, and those that I do when I can, are from the heart. They are not to make up for error in past days. You “can’t take it back”, those moments of indisgression and poor decisions.

My heart enlarges and the tears weld fully in my eyes. They drop slowly to my cheeks and my chin as I hold my head in my hands whimpering like a child.

For those sunsets and those sunrises are gone from the horizons of the world. The events, though gone, linger in our minds and are recalled again over and over, sometimes tormenting our very being.

Life begins again each moment. Avenge no more those
days when error was enlarged because those days too,
are gone forever!

My dreams were uncertain as a young woman. I had already been married at 16 and widowed at 18. Life unexpectedly dropped in on me, and I stepped forward, strongly at first.

The flutter of life inside me awakened something that had always been inside me. It awakened hope again, and strength and love beyond what I’d ever dreamed could be.

My spirit and hopes were weaved tightly within my being. I knew for certain Iwanted to reflect the love that I feel when I think of Jesus Christ.

I knew I was born to worship my creator as I perceive and know him to be. I was born to give thanks, truly from my heart, for all that was given to me daily. I knew I was born to loved and hopefully be loved.

Somehow the road begin to widen. I was still a child within. It all sounded too wonderful and I wanted to try it all in life.

I did not try it all. I dabbled. Intense curiousity and the innate belief there is good in all men. The lesson of truth here was hard earned. I seemed to be a pathological rescuer of the human kind. At least in my mind it was so. I found me seeking all I could absorb into body and mind.

Reflections abruptly manifest into anger and sorrow.
They awaken the sleeping giant that is insatiable, but will be defeated by love.

You neednt be in prison to feel the confinement of being bound in chains that give not upon even a breath. The invisible chain of regret and self-loathing give not upon even the thought of a breath.

Is it now or am I perceiving the non reality of life itself?
Are my dreams spirit filled or rantings of a mind that will not quiet even when I sleep?

What I know now is that I still feel the thrill in my heart when I smell the scent of pine and see trees reaching to God with new growth, extended their branches toward the beginning again. I am thrilled to hold a small baby or see a child take first steps.

This year has been the hardest thus far in the scheme of things – as I fall and teeter, and rise above the mess of it all.

What lies ahead in the next moment? Shall I step into the dusk and feel the breath of a breeze brush my hair across my face.

Shall I whisper to God “thank you for all and all”
My God and my Savior how I love thy patient love toward me.

So many times I ignored a direction I knew was true. I wanted to see what lay beyond the hillside, in the valley below and who was to manifest in my life and why.

Today I cannot regret. I cannot scorn myself more than I have for decades and decades. I cannot take it back. I cannot do good to try to be healed. I am healed. For the horrors of the past are behind me and I have only this moment to step forward.

That was then. This is now. If my memories are somehow blurred, perhaps it is a safety net for me that I will be able to bare the mistakes of this disposable life.

4 Responses to “How would you begin the reckoning of YOUR life?”

  1. Kilauea Poetry Says:

    Wow..this was really deep and so heart felt! “the moment of revelation that opened vast torrents of sorrow and disbelief in choosing to loose so much of the gift of life” this to me, really is the beginning. I mean, the death of self in order for the life of Christ to begin. Awesome!..then the thanks- “Shall I whisper to God “thank you for all and all”
    My God and my Savior how I love thy patient love toward me”..I became a widow after just four years into my first marriage and two kids..strange, that NDE is the actual has another link in there two. I wrote as poetry.. I love your story and will be back to read more. Have a great day-

  2. Marsha J. O'Brien Says:

    Many thanks. We are kindred in Spirit I believe, and also in some events of this fleeting life. I shall read you too!

  3. Kilauea Poetry Says:

    Thanks..your right and I’m looking forward to this exchange!

  4. vhhp Says:

    Dear Marsha,
    In our native poetry, one says that – to become a poet, one need to have heart filled experiences. I can see you now like that. When we express our feelings, we feel relaxed and so, I feel you started your blog “relax, its just life”. I am not good at expressions, but tried to put before you what I felt
    Can I have your photo, Marsha?

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