Devastating to Me

I have been honest about the fact alcohol had a hold on me for a time when my kids were growing up. I’d always been a little hippie so I smoked weed-but the alcohol is what made me loosen my true nature and believe a womanizing con-artist. I married him. For 5 years when my kids were 15, 10, and 7 (I think)
– – I thought I could “have a life” and raise kids. Stuff was going on I didn’t know about, like hard spankings a few times, and when I finally recognized the horror of my choices, the damage was done. The period between 1979 and 1986 or 1987 (hard to remember exactly) – obviously had damaged my children more than I had dreamed. No my daughter wasn’t physically abused, and yes I did get out of the relationship – but alas, too late.

I blacked out. More than I knew. More than I ever dreamed. I was a sucker, and a stupid, stupid woman.
All I can say to all of you parents out there, and to all of you who plan to have children, DON’T include alcohol in your life. It will besmear your choices, and blacken your lives and the lives of your children.

From birth of each child I felt I was a wonderful mother. I loved them so and cared for them, talked to them,
taught them, giggled with them and cuddled them until that day each one left me for kindergarten. All seemed fine until around ’79 and then the troubles began.

I was smoking weed then – but thought it was light and okay. My eldest son now tells me I bought weed for him. To my heart of hearts I do not remember doing that. But even that wasn’t the biggest failure….it was the use of alcohol, a socially acceptable and legal drug, that ruined everything. EVERY huge mistake, and many small ones were made when I was drinking.

I could go on and on, but won’t get too detailed. All of this was so many years ago, and I thought when I divorced the asshole and began my life again all was good. I’ve been married for over 20 years now and during this time I’ve tried to help my children when I could, be there for them when possible, help a bit financially when possible, and be a good grandma.

I knew my last visit my eldest son’s demeanor to me had changed. I do know what the trigger factor was, but thought a sincere apology for a letter I’d written was forgiven.

Yesterday my youngest son wrote on his blog that he had AWFUL parents. I cannot tell you how crushed I am. It is devastating to me….the past is so long ago, and I thought with our contacts over the years that all was okay. My heart is breaking because I do love my children so much, and I only hope I can stop crying before my husband come’s home after this weeks work. I will not share these things with him as he has too much on his mind and he is their step-dad and they adore him.

All the years I did as much as I could to love the children, and all the years since being an idiot that I’ve tried, obviously don’t matter.

So IF YOU LOVE YOUR CHILDREN – or if you INTEND to love future children: DUMP the alcohol now. It doesn’t matter if you think it’s social or “you can handle it” or not. It will lead you to make huge mistakes and hurt your children. I promise.

I feel so terrible for all these years I thought I did some wonderful things for my children, but this small window of horror seems to be my Alamo. PLEASE. Take what I am saying to heart.

I will survive. I don’t believe in suicide. I can only pray that they survive and thrive. God will judge me in the future. I just wish I could go back and change things. I’ve prayed about it every day of my life.
So now I need to stop crying and try to focus on the present. I cannot change the past. I can only be in this moment.

God bless all the children who have gone through way more than what us inexperienced and stupid parents put them through. God bless all children.

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