This is a post I have republished before….HUMOR. My girlfriend’s complaints about aging.

Why is the only hair on my body that hasn’t turned gray the long black hair growing from my nose?

Why didn’t anyone ever tell me that not only would everything “drop” as I aged, but my feet would also get bigger?

Why was I only told my bones would get weaker as I aged, and not that I would grow bony protrusions and knobby outgrowths everywhere on my body?

Why didn’t anybody tell me I would not only gain more wisdom than ever in my lifetime, but no body would listen to me?

How did I somehow miss that men not only loose their hair and get a receding hairline – but women often do as well?

I thought only Pinocchio’s nose grew bigger.

Why is it when you successfully age with good health no one will honor that with reasonable life insurance…every year I stay healthy my insurance rates go up!

You know the joy of having less hair to shave on your legs when you age is diminished by the fact all that hair grows on your face.

“Smile wrinkles” show you are happy. That’s crap. Just another group of wrinkles on your face.

I can eat the same food I always did, exercise the same, and still, when I look into the mirror I can see the fat accumulating on my stomach, hips and thighs. If I try to loose weight more wrinkles appear – gain it – my boobs hang down even further.

Shirley Temple can have dimples.   I am sick of the dimples all over my body. And no matter what anybody tries to sell you – they will never go away once you have them!

Okay stop eating candy and rub cream all over your legs. The dimples will still increase and you won’t get to eat your sugar quota or have the money to buy it!

Being a grandma is great. Being the built in baby sitter isn’t.

I was in the yard picking up dog poop (with a shovel of course), and also getting rid of mushrooms that grow wild and can be poisonous to dogs. . “Ah ah”, I thought, “two of those huge mushrooms right in front of me.” I picked them up, and to my dismay, it was two firm pieces of dog poop! One thing about not using your glasses when you get older is you don’t see as well without them.

The next time I went out, it was with glasses on. I love autumn – all the colors, and the crunch of leaves beneath my feet. What I don’t love is picking up dog poop with my hand for the second time, thinking it was acorns! Guess it’s time to get new glasses.

I went to the doctor a few days ago. I knew I would be hooked up to acupuncture needles and laying flat on my tummy for 30 minutes, so I thought since I was loaded with nasty gas, I would step into the hall and relieve myself quickly before being called in. I looked to the right and up the stairs and released a loud and long fart. I had forgotten to look to the left – there was a woman a couple of feet away on her cell phone. I tried to pretend it didn’t happen and slipped back into the office quickly.

I remember when I was married to an ass, one time we were at our son’s pack meeting for cub scouts, sitting in the very back of a crowed room. He thought he would be funny and let a loud and enormous fart and turned to me and called my name loudly – and indignantly…. as if I’d done it. Everyone looked at me. Some giggled and others looked disgusted. He paid for that one later.

Why is it my nose is running all the time now, and with no place to go. The world gets more enclosed as you get older. Most people walk by and go “Ugh, an old person.” They try to get away quick as if they will catch being old. Well here is the news people, if you don’t get old you are dead!

I saw a commercial with two old people flirting, dancing and kissing. Even I was appalled. Take it to a motel, and make it one with no mirrors on the closet doors – follow the new adage – “what happens in the motel, stays in the motel.”

Lastly in my list of complaints about aging…I think the funniest of all. My girlfriend said she didn’t have her glasses on and she brushed her teeth with hemorrhoid cream. She said it made her gag and almost throw up. That’s not the funniest thing about this – she did it twice.! WEAR YOUR GLASSES GIRLFRIEND!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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