Posts Tagged ‘funny’

Have you ever eaten dog food?

February 17, 2014

I have.  Of course it was by accident!  Still trying to “be good” and let my body heal as it should.  That takes time.  So even though I am much better (my hip surgery-new joint), it has only been three weeks and I have some healing to do.

This morning I got up and did a few things and then got back in bed with a paper towel holding a couple of handful of Cherrios, and one holding a bit of dry dog food.

The next thing I knew both towels flew out of my hand and there was a mix of both on the bed, on the floor, in my hand, and surprisingly on the blanket where the dog lay.

Those did not last long.

Since I cannot really bend down yet, I took the now invaluable “grabber” and started to pick the little things up one by one, separating them into (once again) two paper towels.

Did not take long so I climbed into bed to sit and do a bit of studying, and I poured out the goodies for the dog (who was on her blanket on the bed too).  Then I popped some Cherrios into my mouth and began to chew.  Do my dismay, I realized I should have put my glasses on before doing so.

Uh-huh – dog food mixed in!  Yuk.  I am glad I am not a dog.  It made me begin to gag and I thought I was going to need a bucket.  I made my way to the bathroom, did some spitting into the toilet, and quickly brushed my teeth.

Now I have seen some showoff guys do this for fun (after a few drinks), but my palate must be really selective.  It was disgusting.

Though I admit, not half as disgusting as the Preparation H I once brushed my teeth with (no glasses of course).

Did I get mad?  Not on your life.  I started laughing after I quit gagging.  There is so much to be miserable about today, and I will endeavor to be joyous, even if it means, “laughing WITH myself!”  By the way, I shared my yogert with the poor dog!

Haven’t told my husband yet, as he will be tired tonight and I thought I would share it after his shower so he can have a good laugh too.

Find the humor in life and you will find the joy!  God bless you all!

I’ll be back!

November 15, 2013

Wish this was mine……

 
MY TRAVEL PLANS FOR 2014I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone. I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been inSane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work. Iwould like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I’ve been in Flexible, butonly when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older. One of my favorite places to beis in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! I may have been inContinent, and I don’t remember what country I was in. It’s an age thing.They tell me it is very wet and damp there.PLEASE DO YOUR PART!You can do your bit by remembering to send this e-mail to at least one unstable person. My job is done! Life is too short for negative drama and petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!
Cute eh?  We should all start the day with a PRAYER and a SMILE.

I am having a yard sale, so I have been busy – paying bills, trying to prepare for company, typing my manuscript, and doing my own physical therapy!  I will write more soon!  I miss you.  Have a BEAUTIFUL weekend. 

My husband never knows what I will do next!

September 18, 2013

I guess I am a bit of a wild woman, and I LOVE having fun.  Sometimes I will do something “out of the ordinary” just for fun.  Doesn’t have to be much.  I went to a yard sale and bought this “green thing” for a quarter.  I put it on Michael’s motorcycle helmet in the garage, and never said a word

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The first time he want into the garage he came in laughing and said, “I’m not wearing that on my helmet.”  That was exactly what I wanted…was to make him laugh.  Everyone needs an unexpected laugh now and then.  He loved it the night I came out of the office wearing a tiara.  I didn’t have to say anything and he just smiled and shook his head.

Do something just for fun today.  Not anything hurtful – that’s not fun.  Just something silly.  Have an extraordinary day!  It’s all in your hands now, and GOD BLESS YOU!

“Laughter is the closest distance between two peopl

Victor Borge

She’s not aging with grace, that’s for sure!

June 6, 2012

A friend of mine isn’t taking the aging process with a smile.  I had to jot down things she’s said over the past year as she has had me in hysterics….and now afraid of getting old!  Enjoy!

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…Why is the only hair on my body that hasn’t turned gray the long black hair growing from my nose?

…Why didn’t anyone ever tell me that not only would everything “drop” as I aged, but my feet would also get bigger?

…Why was I only told my bones would get weaker as I aged, and not that I would grow bony protrusions and knobby outgrowths everywhere on my body?

…Why didn’t anybody tell me I would not only gain more wisdom than ever in my lifetime, but no body would listen to me?

…How did I somehow miss that men not only loose their hair and get a receding hairline – but women often do as well?

…I thought only Pinocchio’s nose grew bigger.

…Why is it when you successfully age with good health no one will honor that with reasonable life insurance…every year I stay healthy my insurance rates go up!

…You know the joy of having less hair to shave on your legs when you age is diminished by the fact all that hair grows on your face.

…”Smile wrinkles” show you are happy.  That’s crap.  Just another group of wrinkles on your face.

…I can eat the same food I always did, exercise the same, and still, when I look into the mirror I can see the fat accumulating on my stomach, hips and thighs. If I try to loose weight more wrinkles appear – gain it – my boobs hang down even further.

…Shirley Temple can have dimples.   I am sick of the dimples all over my body.  And no matter what anybody tries to sell you – they will never go away once you have them!

…Okay stop eating candy and rub cream all over your legs.  The dimples will still increase and you won’t get to eat your sugar quota or have the money to buy it!

…Being a grandma is great.  Being the built in baby sitter isn’t.

…I was in the yard picking up dog poop (with a shovel of course), and also getting rid of mushrooms that grow wild and can be poisonous to dogs. .  “Ah ah”, I thought, “two of those huge mushrooms right in front of me.”  I picked them up, and to my dismay, it was two firm pieces of dog poop! One thing about not using your glasses when you get older is you don’t see as well without them.So the next time I went out, it was with glasses on.  I love autumn – all the colors, and the crunch of leaves beneath my feet.  What I don’t love is picking up dog poop with my hand for the second time, thinking it was acorns!  Guess it’s time to get new glasses.

…I went to the doctor a few days ago. I knew I would be hooked up to acupuncture needles and laying flat on my tummy for 30 minutes, so I thought since I was loaded with nasty gas, I would step into the hall and relieve myself quickly before being called in.  I looked to the right and up the stairs and released a loud and long fart.  I had forgotten to look to the left – there was a woman a couple of feet away on her cell phone.  I tried to pretend it didn’t happen and slipped back into the office quickly.

…I remember when I was married to an ass, one time we were at our son’s pack meeting for cub scouts, sitting in the very back of a crowded room.  He thought he would be funny and let a loud and enormous fart and turned to me and called my name loudly – and indignantly…. as if I’d done it.  Everyone looked at me.  Some giggled and others looked disgusted.  He paid for that one later.

…Why is it my nose is running all the time now, and with no place to go.

…The world gets more enclosed as you get older.  Most people walk by and go “Ugh, an old person.”  They try to get away quick as if they will catch being old.  Well here is the news people, if you don’t get old you are dead!

…I saw a commercial with two old people flirting, dancing and kissing.  Even I was appalled.  Take it to a motel, and make it one with no mirrors on the closet doors – follow the new adage – “what happens in the motel, stays in the motel.”

…I am not complaining because I still have my own teeth, but I will wear my glasses next time I brush.  Hemorrhoid cream may work for hemorrhoids, but it tastes  like crap when you brush your teeth with it.  Not once, but twice!  Got to wear those glasses!

…I really can’t complain because no one will give a damn until they are standing in my shoes – trying to look taller because old people shrink!

…This is it; really!

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I asked permission to publish this and she said yes.  After reading it she looked at me and said, “I’m pretty funny, aren’t I?”

“YES, you are!  Now go get in trouble somewhere so I can write about that!”