Posts Tagged ‘kill’

I didn’t mean to kill my dog!

April 20, 2017

No one wants to think that they are to blame for an instance where they loose someone they love. But in my heart of hearts I know it was my fault that Dakota’s life was cut short. After breaking my back I was unable to walk with her and do the things with her I once did. She sat next to me, loyally, and I never encouraged her to leave my side.

The last year it seemed her ability to walk had gotten worse, perhaps the injury to her ACL when she was young had gotten worse due to lack of exercise. But there is no excuse. I kept giving her treats and marrow bones and she loved them.

At one point I realized she had put on lots of weight, but was unable to walk her too help her get it off. Even if I cut down on her food, my sweet husband would wind up giving her treats. He was just too exhausted to walk her. So there she sat.

She was happy to be near us. That’s the thing about a dog….they are so loyal and their love is so unconditional. I knew she was gaining weight. I could see it as she meandered to the back yard to take care of her business, and to sniff for cats.

One day she walked only to the edge of the yard and just watched me. She did this for a while. I couldn’t coax her to walk further.

That week my husband and I loaded the dogs into the forerunner and took a ride to the woods. She loved going in the car with the windows partly down. She couldn’t jump down as her hind side was weaker, probably from the weight. But she walked in the woods and went to the water and stepped in as if she had been doing it everyday. She loved water too.

By the time we got to the truck we were all tuckered and both dogs were a little less excited, and more whipped!

She was a big girl. No doubt about it. Her barrel chest was very predominant and though the weight was on, she still looked beefy and beautiful.

A couple of weeks later it snowed. She gingerly stepped out in the yard with the pup, now almost two. They shoveled the snow with their noses and were fascinated by the accumulation on the ground. The cool felt good to her and she was like a young girl dog, but one who found it difficult to run because of the extra pounds. They stayed out and played for a while and then she settled in next to me, covered with a blanket to keep her warm.

When I mentioned I was worried about the weight my husband said it was okay, she could “go happy and have what she wanted.” I didn’t want her to “go”, and I knew I needed to do something. I knew it would eventually hurt her, but I did nothing. I didn’t know what to do. I should have made a plan to help her.

She was still beautiful the day she died in my arms, from what we think was a heart attack. She was only seven. I cried for 10 days and 10 nights, and I will cry for her till my days end. It wasn’t her fault. She was only seven.

I know I am human and we all make mistakes, but this was a mortal one that took my faithful friend away forever. I was the one who knew she was too heavy, and I was the one who did nothing to change it! God knows I didn’t mean to let her die too young. I know I didn’t mean to….and I know I will NEVER let an animal get too much weight on in my lifetime. When you hear “Don’t let your dog get overweight” – listen! It can kill them. I am not just sitting here letting my life be ruined, but this is a lesson I do not want anyone else to experience.

I will honor her life by never letting it happen again. The price you pay is just too high. I see her trusting eyes looking into mine, and I pray she knows I never meant to hurt her. I pray God knows.

If you love your animals, if you love your children, if you love yourself – be careful not to overload with useless food “just to eat”. It’s not worth the death of someone you love, and it can happen.

It happened to me.

pup on back 2

Dakota – 6 weeks

Dakota

Dakota – almost 7 – my best friend

WHY I DON’T KILL MYSELF

July 2, 2014

Since my accident and eventual spinal cord damage that forced me to have my back fused, my life has changed one hundred percent. Even more than the visible injuries, the injuries that are invisible almost make my life JUST a repetition of more doctors and often feeling like crap! Pretty honest, and it’s absolutely the truth.

I know – it sucks. There are days (and I am having one, thus far, today) – when I wish I could just throw in the towel and say, “That’s enough – I am done!”

There is not a day that I can forget I am now disabled permanently. Between pain and the “various” other disabilities, my life is changed forever.

I am also battling with major depression. I don’t really share with anyone anymore the battle I have not to be totally nuts! My poor husband has been stellar, and now I am putting lots of moans and groans, and depression, and down times, to rest…it’s between God and me – and you, of course.

 

Now you might ask then, why I don’t kill myself?

 

First of all, with suicide, there is no “taking it back”. “Whoops! Guess I changed my mind after all!” Besides suicide is the way out for those who don’t call upon inner strength. I am not a weakling – even though a lot of my strength comes from “self-talk”.

I will not give up.

There are several other big reasons, and the first being I am a Christian, and suicide is against my spiritual beliefs. But even if it were not a matter of my spiritual beliefs, even if I believed suicide was okay, I still wouldn’t do it.

It’s not that I am afraid, because I am not. I just believe there is something that is placed inside each of us that gives us, innately, the strength to fight to live. The only time that strength flees is when drugs and/or alcohol drown the true pure spirit.

I believe this with all my heart, and still after so many trials in my life, I fight to live. In fighting, however, sometimes have to settle for barter with life.

Mama told me there are three things I can count on in life:

  1. God
  2. Her love
  3. Change

I find, after all these years of living, she was right on the money. Number three is the one that happens EVERYDAY, and OFTEN without ANY NOTICE!

So here are VALID reasons not even to entertain that thought in my mind (or perhaps YOURS)!

  1. HOPE – I still have a feeling of expectation Perhaps something will change tomorrow. Could be ANYTHING – new cure, a visit from a long-lost friend, winning the lottery, having the best steak I’ve ever eaten, the best sex ever, a television show that is so fun I can’t stop laughing for a day! I would never know if I killed myself. If any of these things could have come to fruition.
  2. Once the deed was done there would never be another full moon to see, a bird to listen to, a book to read, a sky full of stars to gaze at, a beloved animal to pet and love, a child to sit on my lap for a visit in the spring, summer, winter, or fall,. I would miss it all, and that isn’t even the tip of the iceberg, as the saying goes.
  3. I am selfish. I love spending time with my husband, family and/or friends. I love my time alone to regenerate and think and write. I love to find a great bargain at a yard sale. I love to cook. I love taking photographs of people and places. I anticipate perhaps just hope, I will be able to travel to new places sometime. I guess I still like many things that life offers me.
  4. My “legacy” (don’t know if anyone would care besides my family) would be a lie. All the years I taught, and teach stress management and relaxation would be lies. I would have taken the “chicken” way out, and my whole life would have been for nothing.
  5. If there is a blazing hellfire, I do not want to be in it. I suffer when I get sunburned, and to me, fire is the scariest thing I know. I do not want to “burn, baby, burn”.

I think those five reasons add up to hundreds of personal reasons I cannot ever kill myself. Besides, I REFUSE to throw in the towel and let life stomp me out. I do not believe suicide is a natural thought.

I believe it has been placed in our minds by evil, whether it is from a movie, or a terrible murder-suicide, or a song. I also STRONGLY BELIEVE that ninety-nine percent of those who commit suicide either had mental issues, serious ones, or were plied with alcohol and/or drugs. Think about that one. Review the most recent “self destruction” you know about, and I bet there were drugs or alcohol involved, or severe mental illness.

Writing is a wonderful release, and you do not need to have a blog, or be perfect in English, to write your thoughts on paper.

Don’t give up! Besides, what if reincarnation is a fact and you had to come back as a maggot becaue you had killed yourself. Yuck.

Instead – begin again – CREATE your life, and I pray it is better as each moment passes!

I am praying for me too! God bless you and God help us all.