Posts Tagged ‘laughing’

Getting Old

April 11, 2018

Reprinting something a friend of mine wrote many moons ago…it still makes me smile so I wanted to share again.  ENJOY

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Whoever coined the phrases “growing old gracefully” and “the golden years” should be strung up on the nearest tree!

I don’t know how you grow old gracefully when your body becomes less agile and your ability to stretch is limited because you are afraid you’ll “snap” like an old rubber band.

I have no idea if those years are golden as my eyesight is not as good as it once was, and the insurance I paid into all my life doesn’t cover glasses or teeth (and those are the first things to go!) That’s Medicare of course.

Somehow in my education I didn’t realize over a hundred dollars will be deducted for part B, before you even get social security. Then of course you have to pay for a supplement each month because Medicare doesn’t cover everything. The tricky part is if Medicare won’t cover any part of a procedure; neither will the supplement you are paying for -to the tune of over $150. a month if you can find one for that low price.

By the way, once you apply for Medicare you get a non-stop snail mail box full of “life insurance applications for your family to have, and burial insurance so they won’t suffer from the cost when you croak. I mean it is non-stop. Thanks for reminding my life of this planet will soon be over. Didn’t have enough to think about!

I plan to be “taken care of” the cheapest way possible. – Burn baby burn. I won’t take up precious space on this planet to plant my body and have people come there to tearfully remember me. I would rather plant flowers there! Also, in my world to come, I trust God will know how to fix everything my poor body has suffered in this lifetime.

After so many years the body just starts to kind of give out, and you never know when or where it will happen. After the first injury or accident then everyone is afraid to let you do anything because you may fall again. I don’t know if that’s because they worry about you, or because they don’t want to have to take care of you again.

No worries. I swear you’ll never hear “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” come from my mouth! Older people are usually spoken of as the butt of jokes. The ironic thing is one day those folks will be the butt of the jokes-for now they are just butts!

Heaven forbid you want to do something really fun — “It’s not a good idea.” “It’s too dangerous”. If I weren’t happily married I’d go out and have unprotected sex just for the danger factor. (NOT REALLY)

“It’s not a good idea to go barefooted.” “You’d better not get a dog.” “Watch what you eat.” “Etc.”

Kill me now.

When you find you need to use a cane because some uncaring medical people left you out in the cold until you are in permanent disrepair, don’t worry about accidentally forgetting it…everyone will remind you that you need to take the cane.

The baggers at the grocery store begin to call you ma’am, and ask if you need help carrying one bag to the car. Teenagers look at you like you have already died, and of course lost your mind way before that!

When you hear a whistle you know it’s just some older person grasping at the talent of whistling. To whistle – a talent once appreciated – long ago!. You know it’s not a “whistle” meant for you because you are so sexy and have such a stunning figure.

Everything drops. What they don’t tell you if your feet get bigger too, and all the hair that used to grow on your legs just grows on your face now!

I don’t feel guilty about not being Martha Stewart in the housekeeping department, I will go outside and sit in the sun (still with book in hand) and read to my heart’s content. With my glasses off my home is perfectly dust free.

What is “grandma in a box”? Well it’s not a coffin I’ll tell you that! I was going to wrap a box in birthday paper and surprise my granddaughter for her birthday. With my luck I probably would have suffocated and surprised her with grandma falling to the floor dead!
Not a good surprise. Either that or be so stiff I would be permanently unable to move from being stuffed in the box.

After you turn 65 – face it – you may still feel 45 in your mind – but the REAL prejudice is against those of us who live long enough to be known as “the old folks, old people, our elderly, the over the hill gang, seniors (say isn’t a senior in high school or college someone to be looked up to and revered?)

I could write a book about it all, but just to let you know – my wits are about me! My memory is as sharp as ever. I am still the captain of my ship and God the Master of my mind. I really am still “too sexy for my shirt”, and my cane doubles as a weapon so that if anyone pulls any crap on me I can beat them to death with it – and I wouldn’t hesitate.

I don’t hold back and just “be nice” – IF someone deserves to be told off I will do it with wit and class – but I will do it. I don’t hold anything inside. I dress exactly the way I want to, and love the freedom.

When no one is looking I will do what I damn please and take any risk I opt to…why not? There isn’t too much I haven’t done in my life (a lot I wish I hadn’t done), and what the heck is the difference. It could kill me?

No one knows when they are through with being on this earth – at best my life is less than two decades, and so if you see me flying through the air with some young stud attached to my back, don’t be surprised!

Well, I probably will be holding tight to my husband, whom I still adore, sitting behind him on his Harley, going a 100 miles an -hour down some back road!

Life doesn’t have to be over just because you have aged like a fine, fine wine! Or better yet in my case, an aged bottle of good whiskey! One that gives warmth to your innards, and a glow on your cheeks.

This is a post I have republished before….HUMOR. My girlfriend’s complaints about aging.

August 26, 2016

Why is the only hair on my body that hasn’t turned gray the long black hair growing from my nose?

Why didn’t anyone ever tell me that not only would everything “drop” as I aged, but my feet would also get bigger?

Why was I only told my bones would get weaker as I aged, and not that I would grow bony protrusions and knobby outgrowths everywhere on my body?

Why didn’t anybody tell me I would not only gain more wisdom than ever in my lifetime, but no body would listen to me?

How did I somehow miss that men not only loose their hair and get a receding hairline – but women often do as well?

I thought only Pinocchio’s nose grew bigger.

Why is it when you successfully age with good health no one will honor that with reasonable life insurance…every year I stay healthy my insurance rates go up!

You know the joy of having less hair to shave on your legs when you age is diminished by the fact all that hair grows on your face.

“Smile wrinkles” show you are happy. That’s crap. Just another group of wrinkles on your face.

I can eat the same food I always did, exercise the same, and still, when I look into the mirror I can see the fat accumulating on my stomach, hips and thighs. If I try to loose weight more wrinkles appear – gain it – my boobs hang down even further.

Shirley Temple can have dimples.   I am sick of the dimples all over my body. And no matter what anybody tries to sell you – they will never go away once you have them!

Okay stop eating candy and rub cream all over your legs. The dimples will still increase and you won’t get to eat your sugar quota or have the money to buy it!

Being a grandma is great. Being the built in baby sitter isn’t.

I was in the yard picking up dog poop (with a shovel of course), and also getting rid of mushrooms that grow wild and can be poisonous to dogs. . “Ah ah”, I thought, “two of those huge mushrooms right in front of me.” I picked them up, and to my dismay, it was two firm pieces of dog poop! One thing about not using your glasses when you get older is you don’t see as well without them.

The next time I went out, it was with glasses on. I love autumn – all the colors, and the crunch of leaves beneath my feet. What I don’t love is picking up dog poop with my hand for the second time, thinking it was acorns! Guess it’s time to get new glasses.

I went to the doctor a few days ago. I knew I would be hooked up to acupuncture needles and laying flat on my tummy for 30 minutes, so I thought since I was loaded with nasty gas, I would step into the hall and relieve myself quickly before being called in. I looked to the right and up the stairs and released a loud and long fart. I had forgotten to look to the left – there was a woman a couple of feet away on her cell phone. I tried to pretend it didn’t happen and slipped back into the office quickly.

I remember when I was married to an ass, one time we were at our son’s pack meeting for cub scouts, sitting in the very back of a crowed room. He thought he would be funny and let a loud and enormous fart and turned to me and called my name loudly – and indignantly…. as if I’d done it. Everyone looked at me. Some giggled and others looked disgusted. He paid for that one later.

Why is it my nose is running all the time now, and with no place to go. The world gets more enclosed as you get older. Most people walk by and go “Ugh, an old person.” They try to get away quick as if they will catch being old. Well here is the news people, if you don’t get old you are dead!

I saw a commercial with two old people flirting, dancing and kissing. Even I was appalled. Take it to a motel, and make it one with no mirrors on the closet doors – follow the new adage – “what happens in the motel, stays in the motel.”

Lastly in my list of complaints about aging…I think the funniest of all. My girlfriend said she didn’t have her glasses on and she brushed her teeth with hemorrhoid cream. She said it made her gag and almost throw up. That’s not the funniest thing about this – she did it twice.! WEAR YOUR GLASSES GIRLFRIEND!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ninety-five years old

May 24, 2013

There is a gal in the next hospital bed who is ninety five years old.  She’s been in here for a couple of weeks.  She had a stroke.  Every day she is going to speech therapy and occupational therapy.  She cracked me up the other day.  She was sitting on the bed and I looked over at her and asked, “How was your day today?”  She looked at me sternly and replied:  “What do you care!”  I was just about to think she was cross, and she looked at me and broke up in laughter….it was a joke.  She cracked herself up too!  We’ve been buddies ever since she played her little joke.  Laughter is healing medicine.

When you get up tomorrow, stretch and smile and think “it is going to be a wonderful day.”

I’ll do the same – I promise!