Posts Tagged ‘old people’

This is a post I have republished before….HUMOR. My girlfriend’s complaints about aging.

August 26, 2016

Why is the only hair on my body that hasn’t turned gray the long black hair growing from my nose?

Why didn’t anyone ever tell me that not only would everything “drop” as I aged, but my feet would also get bigger?

Why was I only told my bones would get weaker as I aged, and not that I would grow bony protrusions and knobby outgrowths everywhere on my body?

Why didn’t anybody tell me I would not only gain more wisdom than ever in my lifetime, but no body would listen to me?

How did I somehow miss that men not only loose their hair and get a receding hairline – but women often do as well?

I thought only Pinocchio’s nose grew bigger.

Why is it when you successfully age with good health no one will honor that with reasonable life insurance…every year I stay healthy my insurance rates go up!

You know the joy of having less hair to shave on your legs when you age is diminished by the fact all that hair grows on your face.

“Smile wrinkles” show you are happy. That’s crap. Just another group of wrinkles on your face.

I can eat the same food I always did, exercise the same, and still, when I look into the mirror I can see the fat accumulating on my stomach, hips and thighs. If I try to loose weight more wrinkles appear – gain it – my boobs hang down even further.

Shirley Temple can have dimples.   I am sick of the dimples all over my body. And no matter what anybody tries to sell you – they will never go away once you have them!

Okay stop eating candy and rub cream all over your legs. The dimples will still increase and you won’t get to eat your sugar quota or have the money to buy it!

Being a grandma is great. Being the built in baby sitter isn’t.

I was in the yard picking up dog poop (with a shovel of course), and also getting rid of mushrooms that grow wild and can be poisonous to dogs. . “Ah ah”, I thought, “two of those huge mushrooms right in front of me.” I picked them up, and to my dismay, it was two firm pieces of dog poop! One thing about not using your glasses when you get older is you don’t see as well without them.

The next time I went out, it was with glasses on. I love autumn – all the colors, and the crunch of leaves beneath my feet. What I don’t love is picking up dog poop with my hand for the second time, thinking it was acorns! Guess it’s time to get new glasses.

I went to the doctor a few days ago. I knew I would be hooked up to acupuncture needles and laying flat on my tummy for 30 minutes, so I thought since I was loaded with nasty gas, I would step into the hall and relieve myself quickly before being called in. I looked to the right and up the stairs and released a loud and long fart. I had forgotten to look to the left – there was a woman a couple of feet away on her cell phone. I tried to pretend it didn’t happen and slipped back into the office quickly.

I remember when I was married to an ass, one time we were at our son’s pack meeting for cub scouts, sitting in the very back of a crowed room. He thought he would be funny and let a loud and enormous fart and turned to me and called my name loudly – and indignantly…. as if I’d done it. Everyone looked at me. Some giggled and others looked disgusted. He paid for that one later.

Why is it my nose is running all the time now, and with no place to go. The world gets more enclosed as you get older. Most people walk by and go “Ugh, an old person.” They try to get away quick as if they will catch being old. Well here is the news people, if you don’t get old you are dead!

I saw a commercial with two old people flirting, dancing and kissing. Even I was appalled. Take it to a motel, and make it one with no mirrors on the closet doors – follow the new adage – “what happens in the motel, stays in the motel.”

Lastly in my list of complaints about aging…I think the funniest of all. My girlfriend said she didn’t have her glasses on and she brushed her teeth with hemorrhoid cream. She said it made her gag and almost throw up. That’s not the funniest thing about this – she did it twice.! WEAR YOUR GLASSES GIRLFRIEND!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ninety-five years old

May 24, 2013

There is a gal in the next hospital bed who is ninety five years old.  She’s been in here for a couple of weeks.  She had a stroke.  Every day she is going to speech therapy and occupational therapy.  She cracked me up the other day.  She was sitting on the bed and I looked over at her and asked, “How was your day today?”  She looked at me sternly and replied:  “What do you care!”  I was just about to think she was cross, and she looked at me and broke up in laughter….it was a joke.  She cracked herself up too!  We’ve been buddies ever since she played her little joke.  Laughter is healing medicine.

When you get up tomorrow, stretch and smile and think “it is going to be a wonderful day.”

I’ll do the same – I promise!

Forty Million Senior Citizens in U.S.A.

February 12, 2013

We have over 40 million senior citizens OLDER than age sixty-five in the USA.  That is a pretty staggering number of seniors, particularly considering there are baby-boomers turning sixty-five every single day!

Why does this affect everyone?  The reasons are pretty simple.  You either are a senior citizen, or if you are fortunate enough to live long enough, you will become one!  That is the bottom line.  Aging is inevitable.

For those of you who are young and have family and friends, surely you have parents, grandparents, relatives, or perhaps neighbors or peers who are approaching or have reached the special category of senior citizens.

Why is it special you ask?  It is singularly the most difficult time you will ever have in your lifetime.  Life doesn’t get easier; it gets more difficult.

The good news is when you become a senior you will have the patience, wisdom, and strength to never give up, and never give in.  Peace comes easier.

 I don’t mean you won’t have lots of challenges in life, but here are but a few reasons seniors have CHALLENGES of a lifetime, and some you may not have considered.

First of all, the future is predictable.  Old people die.  That means it may be more difficult to keep a positive attitude, and to even have dreams of better times.  But it’s NOT IMPOSSIBLE!

There is a huge prejudice against senior citizens.  It isn’t intentional for most people, but our media (which is extremely powerful whether it be movies, radio, television, or even the internet) portrays senior citizens as clumsy, bordering on mindless, sour faced, and ridiculously not fun to have to endure their company. 

Some of these things are true for individuals, but go deeper in thought.

Here are a few reasons these things could be happening to someone.

1.   As your body ages some people suffer more ailments than a lifetime in a short period of time.  The body wears out and painful things, such as arthritis, begin to manifest.  Some people simply become hardened and sour because of intense pain.  They may never have been taught we can handle whatever is thrown at us – with the right attitude!

2.   As your body ages perhaps you may not be able to be as active because of injury or limitations due to some other ailment.  Your stretch and strength may suffer, and yes, your balance may falter.  You just might be thought of as clumsy instead of dealing with a whole new body scenario.

3.   We kill brain cells throughout our lives.  Yes, we regenerate too, but as we age some of those cells (the ones killed by alcohol, cigarettes, improper diet, or drugs) will be gone forever.  If the mind of an elderly individual isn’t stimulated and challenged, they may wind up less “sharp” than earlier in life.

4.   Some elderly people may not have the ability to handle all that is happening to their bodies and their lives.  They were once the center of the world and now many are discarded, pitied, or just left on their own.  After all, they can’t “do what young people do”, or some might say,  “You have to be careful what you say around old people.”  There is a whole scenario of why old people suck.  (They don’t really!)

5.   FEAR keeps many people from wanting to be with senior citizens.  It could happen to YOU!   Trust me, you don’t get old by being with old people.  It takes years!  However, truth be told, YOU WILL GET OLD!

So put yourself if the shoes of some old person and be a little kinder today.

You are simply looking at yourself in the future.  Inside they are still the person they always were.  Their hearts are still their hearts.  They CAN laugh, and be happy if you give them the opportunity.

Have you ever just sat down and said to some elderly person you are related to or friends with?  Ask him or her to tell you something no one else has ever heard, or some story that they want to share with you.  I did that with my mother and I heard some unbelievable things that were SO COOL! 

 She loved sharing, and thank God, she shared tips about aging gracefully and wisdom about many other things I had yet to come to learn.  Take advantage.  Sure seniors want to talk.  They want to share what they have done and learned OVER A LIFETIME.  SO WILL YOU!