Being human includes having all the flaws, pain, and trials one can endure. Those first two humans, in my realm of beliefs, wanted to know all about the things that make God, God. They wanted to taste of evil and that old snake satan was right there as he is now – prodding and pushing.
I am in the most weakened state of my life now You can see some scars physically, and are aware of changes mentally. I believed when I awoke this morning, something may have finally severed any real dreams, or chances of dreams I still had. Memories besmeared, future questionable, and heart nearly broken in half. Life has put me in a pit again.
No one can possibly know what disabilities I deal wit, that manifest each day as I awake and wonder if I want to get out of bed at all, or go back to sleep, “perchance to dream”.
I won’t tell anyone the extent of my injuries. It would be impossible to explain anyway. They didn’t just begin with my back bursting. Life managed to seep into my thoughts and like a baby near the edge of a high staircase, someone let go of my hand when I was just a young woman and I fell down the stairs, hitting my head and scraping my arms and legs. I knew I was hurt but the baby just kept crawling up the stairs to see what was at the top. Again and again my immaturity, or selfishness, or fear of overwhelming pain physically and mentally again, tossed me down the stairs….sometimes in the air all the way to the bottom, and sometimes hitting each step squarely – and hard! Somehow I always managed to pull myself together and begin to crawl upward again!
I saw so many humans falling and as I grew I tried to push and pull, and help them back up the stairs. My heart grew weary, but I was tenacious – broken bones, swollen limbs and mental exhaustion never stopped me. Hesitation and fear – yes! Desire to feel the wonder of life again manifest through “events” seemed to keep me trying….
The God Unknown, knew my name. He kept calling, yet I kept falling….prey to a mis-step of a different kind each time.
Life’s temptations masqueraded into glorious apparitions. The snake lay in wait for a moment of weakness, and I found myself tumbling down the stairs again and again. Though my life was going by me so fast my vision was blurred, I kept on it. I kept crawling up the stairs, which now wound round and round, and increased in numbers and difficulty. I wanted to get to the top.
I could hear a sweet voice that beckoned my heart and I pushed upward, amidst a crowded group of people – some trying with me, and others running the other way. Confusion struck hearts like bolts of lightening. I watched with horror as some fell from above me and turning my head I saw I could do nothing to help as I watched them falling far beyond my vision, and still falling as I lost sight of them. I could barely help myself.
Still I turned and began the climb once more. It was almost more than I could endure, and the solitude I had known was replaced with a shrieking and loud voices above and below me. I turned and sat as the stairs had grown much larger now, and I found just enough space to sit and bend my elbows so I could put my head down and cry. I weeped, I wailed, the wet tears
drenched my clothes and I tried to wipe them with my arms so no one would slip on the now, almost vertical stairs…so small my foot needed to turn sideways to fit.
I prayed. I couldn’t move from my exhaustion and delusions bursting in my head. What I had known-wasn’t. What I had believed was in part lies- so many lies that fooled me. So many falls because I had blinded myself to run away from all the pain. I thought it was the end of me. I thought this was my eternity. Climbing, forever climbing.
I sat. It was as if I was a baby again and I was alone on the stairs. I felt a large hand from above grasp my shoulder. I turned and the hand clasp mine and began to gently pull me to the next stair going upward.
I was a blend of thoughts and visions, experiences and horrors…..beauty and hope. I could see
the top of the stairs just a few steps away now. The voice at the top spoke to me, saying “I’ve done what I can throughout the years. I chose to silently be the push you needed throughout your life, and sometimes the pull. I haven’t given up on you, but these last steps are steps that you must take alone. I will be there but It is time. I will be waiting”
“ I expect to see you when the time comes for you to arrive. In the meanwhile, feel free to speak to me, I hope in gratitude for my company all these years, but the power with which you will take these steps, though few, will be the most difficult of all. Do not expect it otherwise.”
“Do not be befuddled with illusive worry about everything. All those things will work for the best-in my time. I know many who have yet to know me. Trust me. Those who have brushed next to you, those who have been a part of you, those who know Love, know me, and those Spirits are a kin and will be just fine. Trust me, I say again. Keep endeavoring to reach the top; they will be there in my time. I expect to see you. I expect no less.”