Since my accident and eventual spinal cord damage that forced me to have my back fused, my life has changed one hundred percent. Even more than the visible injuries, the injuries that are invisible almost make my life JUST a repetition of more doctors and often feeling like crap! Pretty honest, and it’s absolutely the truth.
I know – it sucks. There are days (and I am having one, thus far, today) – when I wish I could just throw in the towel and say, “That’s enough – I am done!”
There is not a day that I can forget I am now disabled permanently. Between pain and the “various” other disabilities, my life is changed forever.
I am also battling with major depression. I don’t really share with anyone anymore the battle I have not to be totally nuts! My poor husband has been stellar, and now I am putting lots of moans and groans, and depression, and down times, to rest…it’s between God and me – and you, of course.
Now you might ask then, why I don’t kill myself?
First of all, with suicide, there is no “taking it back”. “Whoops! Guess I changed my mind after all!” Besides suicide is the way out for those who don’t call upon inner strength. I am not a weakling – even though a lot of my strength comes from “self-talk”.
I will not give up.
There are several other big reasons, and the first being I am a Christian, and suicide is against my spiritual beliefs. But even if it were not a matter of my spiritual beliefs, even if I believed suicide was okay, I still wouldn’t do it.
It’s not that I am afraid, because I am not. I just believe there is something that is placed inside each of us that gives us, innately, the strength to fight to live. The only time that strength flees is when drugs and/or alcohol drown the true pure spirit.
I believe this with all my heart, and still after so many trials in my life, I fight to live. In fighting, however, sometimes have to settle for barter with life.
Mama told me there are three things I can count on in life:
- God
- Her love
- Change
I find, after all these years of living, she was right on the money. Number three is the one that happens EVERYDAY, and OFTEN without ANY NOTICE!
So here are VALID reasons not even to entertain that thought in my mind (or perhaps YOURS)!
- HOPE – I still have a feeling of expectation Perhaps something will change tomorrow. Could be ANYTHING – new cure, a visit from a long-lost friend, winning the lottery, having the best steak I’ve ever eaten, the best sex ever, a television show that is so fun I can’t stop laughing for a day! I would never know if I killed myself. If any of these things could have come to fruition.
- Once the deed was done there would never be another full moon to see, a bird to listen to, a book to read, a sky full of stars to gaze at, a beloved animal to pet and love, a child to sit on my lap for a visit in the spring, summer, winter, or fall,. I would miss it all, and that isn’t even the tip of the iceberg, as the saying goes.
- I am selfish. I love spending time with my husband, family and/or friends. I love my time alone to regenerate and think and write. I love to find a great bargain at a yard sale. I love to cook. I love taking photographs of people and places. I anticipate perhaps just hope, I will be able to travel to new places sometime. I guess I still like many things that life offers me.
- My “legacy” (don’t know if anyone would care besides my family) would be a lie. All the years I taught, and teach stress management and relaxation would be lies. I would have taken the “chicken” way out, and my whole life would have been for nothing.
- If there is a blazing hellfire, I do not want to be in it. I suffer when I get sunburned, and to me, fire is the scariest thing I know. I do not want to “burn, baby, burn”.
I think those five reasons add up to hundreds of personal reasons I cannot ever kill myself. Besides, I REFUSE to throw in the towel and let life stomp me out. I do not believe suicide is a natural thought.
I believe it has been placed in our minds by evil, whether it is from a movie, or a terrible murder-suicide, or a song. I also STRONGLY BELIEVE that ninety-nine percent of those who commit suicide either had mental issues, serious ones, or were plied with alcohol and/or drugs. Think about that one. Review the most recent “self destruction” you know about, and I bet there were drugs or alcohol involved, or severe mental illness.
Writing is a wonderful release, and you do not need to have a blog, or be perfect in English, to write your thoughts on paper.
Don’t give up! Besides, what if reincarnation is a fact and you had to come back as a maggot becaue you had killed yourself. Yuck.
Instead – begin again – CREATE your life, and I pray it is better as each moment passes!
I am praying for me too! God bless you and God help us all.
Relax, it's just Life! 